so strange to think that new years eve is.. tmrw.. time has been moving really slow for me.

today my family and i got our ski gear, and headed to the slopes for a little bit to see if we remember anything from last year. the childrens slope, i mean. i got the basics down, such as stopping and turning. theres this thing i keep seeing people do, where they turn but they're keeping their skis parallel? i tried it, but since im putting my weight on the foot im not turning with, its hard to do. whatever. when we went skiing last year, i started with skiis, and ended w snowboard. snowboarding is really fucking hard for no reason... it helps that nothing in the park is even made for you (lol) its hard to get off chair lifts, and its hard to stay in one line on (i just googled this) button lifts. plus all the control is in your feet. scary as shit. i have no clue how i did it last year. part of this fear may be because last year i had an unlucky fall, and injured my wrist for a couple days. snowboarding IS fun though, so hopefully when we get an instructor i can work on it. its more interesting to me than skiing, because its more technical. hm...

some ski slopes here close at 3pm, at least the ones that arent lit up, since the sun sets around then. since the childrens slope is one of these, we went to go find another slope. the one we found was good. it was way steeper + longer than the childrens slope. my dad and i went down twice, then drove home. this slope was! scary! the button lift had a turn, so there was this pause and then it jerks you forward. then, there a section where you just feel your hand slowly slipping off the pole you're holding. ugh. i got down safely twice, which is good enough for me. after we got down my dad told me that there was actually a little bit of ice in the middle of the slope, which made it hard to stop. i guess if i can go down a steep slope with ice, i can do anything, right? btw, the amount of just CHILDREN absolutely shredding it on these slopes is scary. im talking like, elementary schoolers. im curious about what they'll do when theyre older, bc if theyre this good NOW, surely they'll get bored in a couple years? i dunno.

when we got home (7pm) i took a shower and fell asleep on my bed (the couch). ive slept until now, almost 12pm. man. i got hungry, so i have a couple mandarins, and the powder you use to make hot coco. im just eating it with a spoon, like a child. i will now read my gay fanfic until i fall asleep... farewell (23:48)

finally have time to sit down and write some. we drove to norway yesterday, and let me tell you. e14 road? scary as shit. its snowy and icy and dark. and when we were halfway to norway it starts SNOWING.... half the road is next to a river, so its just a cliff to the left. my god. i wasnt even driving, thank god. shoutout to stereolabs 'dots and loops' album for keeping my sane throughout that drive. augh.

my cat is doing good at home :3 im not as worried. we set up cameras and stuff in the two rooms that she usually sleeps in, and its very reassuring to check and see 'ah! shes just sleeping :)'

dont have a Lot to talk about. sundsvall (sweden) and trondheim (norway) are both gorgeous cities. since im in sweden i keep seeing things that remind me of belarus. which.. makes sense.. bc theyre both european countries. but it just makes me sad. it feels like im clinging onto something that ill never reach. this sadness isnt intense, but it lingers and creeps out sometimes. we went to mcdonalds and they had these apple pies... i remember in the train station that i'd go to when i'd visit my grandparents had a mcdonalds, and i always got an apple pie. they're really fucking good. anyways.. i msg'd my friend like 'these apple pies are so fucking good im so glad i can eat them again oh my godddd its been so long.. they remind me of belarus so much', and they immediately kinda. turn me down? like 'whats so special about those' and 'they have those in america'. which. first of all. would it kill you to be joyous? second of all, i never go to mcdonalds in america. and last i was there (maybe... 6 years ago?), they didnt have em. yea maybe i can be faulted for that, but i feel like theyd still be different, considering the difference between eu and usa food regulations or whatever. whatever. i didnt say anything, even though it hurt me. thats been kinda happening with this friend. its weird. we're both belarusian, but i moved to america when i was 4, and they were born in the usa + have an american parent. and sometimes it feels like? a competition? to see whos more belarusian????? which is weird. pisses me off sometimes. i think im a very tolerant person. thank god for that.

i have an img pertaining to this on my trinkets page, but sometimes i wonder what i wouldve been like if id stayed in belarus. i was a very loud and happy child, and i got much quieter once i entered school in america. so i wonder if my personality would be like.. drastically different. i think i would have the same interests though. i hope when you die, you can see all the alternate versions of yourself. spectate them, almost.

not sure why it turned into such a sad topic, but thats alright. i really love the snow here. its shocking how much it.. envelopes things? its just. in everything. you see it everywhere. you feel it everywhere. you hear the snow crunching under your feet constantly, which is a wonderful sound. i love it lots. goodnight. (00:57)

merry christmas! im in london. we wanted to go see the big ben, but no trains work on christmas lolol.. i can now proudly say ive perfected the art of sleeping for short amts of time in uncomfortable places. my next flights in two hours... eek! im gunna try to make the sweden page for photos n stuff rn. o7

merry christmas eve! or yaoimas eve! i DO feel better than last night. ive finished packing, and we're gunna leave in about an hour. ive explained all of my cats stuff (like where her wet food is, when to change litter, when to change water, etc..) to my aunt, and i feel much better. she was writing down everything i was saying. not as worried as before. other than that - i am letting go of all of my stress once i leave the house. i can fuss over it as much as i want, but i will not let someone else ruin something ive waited so long for. never trust your thoughts after 10pm guys!!!!! that last journal entry was just purely in the moment, but now that i sit back and look at the situation clearly, i see that honestly. it was never that serious! my joy is a choice and i will choose to be happy in spite of my surroundings. i will make the most of any situation. whew.

now onto less serious matters - me n michelle exchanged gifts! :3 it was nice seeing her before i left. she hugged me really tight. felt very happy leaving her house... then drove with my dad for a bit, which was decent. its a little awkward, but the silence is mostly nice. OH and here are those akechi nendo photos!!

well. repeat all those affirmations from earlier. situation has gotten worse! i dont like my cousins! i dont even know how well theyll take care of my cat while we're gone. i am supposed to be excited, both because im LITERALLY GOING TO FUCKING SWEDEN and ITS CHRISTMAS!!! ive been waiting for this! all year! im so so tired. i need this year to be OVER!!!!! coming back after three days only to complain feels. horrid. it doesnt feel right to complain. so, ill just leave it at that.

ill focus on the good instead - since we leave . uhm. in 20 hrs. my family decided to open christmas presents early! joy! i got my dad a whiskey infusion set, and my mom a travel sized jewlery box (in her favorite color!) they got me a tamaki nendoroid (!!!!!), an akechi nendoroid (!!!!!!!), a susan branch monthly pocket planner, and a clear case for my computer. i absolutely adore the susan branch calendar. id bought two of her Big yearly calendars before, but i opted for a lil pocket one instead. better for tracking and what not. orient myself in the timespace. the clear case is smth im rlly grateful for - my computers been without a case for like. year and a half? once i find some good stickers im slapping em on here.

THE NENDOROIDS.. oh my god. akechi. my son. back when i first started getting into persona and i somewhat liked akechi i put his name into ebay and was SHOCKED by the prices. a nendoroid? for 135$? a fucking orb plush? for 200$ OR MORE????? my dreams - crushed. NOW.... i am experiencing a whimsy joy. i (shockingly) didnt get any pictures of him but hes posed with his saber on my persona 5 shelf :3 eheh.. AND TAMAKI!!!! so so cute. i love his chair

i slept until 4 today. finally getting the sleep i missed out on while studying for exams.. its midnight, and i wouldve been asleep by now if it wasnt for! my cousin! im going to lose it!!!! i need to remain calm. i WILL enjoy my trip to sweden and it will be fine. my cat will be fine at home. they will move out soon. i will never speak to them again. i am the bigger person. this is just a test of my patience. im normal.

it may be because im sick but i think this may be one of the best songs ive ever heard. im snifflinf its 3 am. GO ONNN REPLAY.. WHATS YOUR SCENARIO... DONTT JUST OBEYYY.. ZENBU MIDOKORO!!!!!!

also. i forgot i uploaded my kanata picmix onto tenor. tell me why that mf has 584 shares. thats terrifying. ALSO 195 views on picmix?? SCARY????? i uploaded the stickers i used as text on it too. and its inspired like. 3 other 'another day another slay' gifs. this sounds stupid when i type it out but its like.. i created fan content.. and its spread... so cool.... (3:17)

IM ALIVE. done w ALL my exams. christmas break! oh joy!!! the grades that ive gotten back have been really good so far - all in the high 80s. it feels so weird not having any schoolwork to do. i keep feeling like im forgetting to do smth.. i dont think its hit me yet. maybe bc we ended on a tuesday? i have to pack this week, which i am not excited for. im not the Best at packing. i always end up bringing way too much.. as for the free time i have, maybe ill finally cut into my medias to watch/read list. been playing a lot of enstars lately too. makoto yuuki..!!!!!!!

listening to "愉快痛快 that's alright!" a lot. i know the bagpipes in the beginning are kinda offputting but the chorus is so catchy.. same with "fight for judge".. knights music is so hit or miss for me. unfortunately this ones a hit.. again bc of the catchy chorus. the dance is fun to do too.. i wonder what these songs sound like to someone who has never listened to em. my music taste was demolished by kpop from the very start (i can fall asleep to sticker by nct127), so enstars music is p good imo. @ anyone who has never listened to enstars music and perchance just listened to those two songs, thoughts? lmk.. anyways Goodnight its 2:16

things 2 do
• add all those carrd/rentry graphic sites to links
• add new members buttons to bookbug page
• finish bookshelf.. + add alt text ver
• sweden page
• change layout a Tad (figure out the gradient stuffs + Expand..)
• draw more + pick One thing from media list to watch

library study session went well! i got the whole history packet done, so now i only have half the science packet left. lets fucking go. i AM getting that curve!!!!! pretty uneventful other than that. i started playing honkai star rail again. its fun to pass the time with. lately its been feeling like im interested in All of my interests at once. thats new for me, because usually ill get focused on One interest for months, then move onto the next. but since like? beginning of december? ive been floating around. yk. and instead of finding new interests i keep just going back to my old ones? may thru august was tbhk/enstars, both of which were old interests. october/november? hunger games. ALSO old interest. and now im back into tears of themis, + im listening to the fe3h soundtrack and vocaloid songs. i miss persona 5 and i want to play dramatical murder again. i want to play enstars more often. ive rewatched ohshch twice since the start of decemeber AND read the manga.

its really weird!!!!!!!! all of my interests are like. dog piling me. i think it might just be bc ive been So focused on studying for exams and everything, that my brain cant handle NOT having an interest, so it just grabs onto whatever it can find. its kind of nice, in a way? i used to rlly look up to those people that are like Long time fans of medias, and know so much abt it. and now im realizing.. im? becoming that person? its crazy to think about.

i think i may be getting sick though. the cousins staying at my house rn ARE sick and i think its spread to me. i havent talked a Lot about my cousins on here because if i start i simply wont stop. i dont like them! thats all i will allow myself to say. my parents agreed to house them for a year until they find their own place, and im praying hoping wishing they find it earlier. im not sure how much longer i can do this guys! the trip to sweden is just me and my parents, which means im leaving my cat with them. if i think about it too much i start to cry and shake SO ive been just giggling and keeping it out my mind. im not even going to type my fears out. i dont trust them at all. i dont like having them in my house. theyre extremely ungrateful, but i will be the bigger person. i remind myself that its much harder to be kind, and is much more rewarding in the long run than anger. this is simply a test of my patience. i will endure, and then i will never see them again if i can help it.

SEE if i start talking about them i just dont stop. ^ this was originally much longer. ANYWAYS!!!!!! i will not hold onto this anger!! ill talk abt stuff i like instead. i like the gif on the side lots. i love dramatical murder I NEED TO FINISH THE GAME... ive also been just Itching to buy something. i have money to spare. online window shopping is an EVIL evil thing. fromjapan is so scary bc i tend to use the 'like item' feature so that i can Review later but then ill see an items description and (through the shitty translater) its like 'do not like without the intent of buying' and im Σ(°ロ°) ,, but then i think.. idgaf! i doubt this will persons life will change for the worse JUST because i 'liked' the item theyre listing... also! seeing the difference between nui prices here in america vs japan is... crazy. in american markets (ebay, mercari, conventions. etc) nuis go for around 60-100$ .. 100$ if theyre a popular character. sometimes higher! jp nuis? 50$ MAX. also, lots of pashas. if you dont know what that is, pashas are the enstars version of kpop photocards. google it if you need to. i think the jp fandom really likes em? i see way more listings for pashas than i see for badges or standees or plushies. or maybe they just hate em, and list em more often? idek. PERSONALLY.. i like having a couple pashas, but not way too many. i keep my tsumugi pasha in my wallet.

[has gone thru 25 pages of makoto yuuki Stuff on fromjapan] ok. well. i think thats enough for today! whenever i see a big character lot for cheap i cant help but think what Happened? did someones parent finally get sick and tired? did someone die? do did they just have a crazy change of heart, and despise the character? maybe they just bought way too much... anyways! found this badge for 3 dollars. man. i need to make another big fromjapan purchase. that badge has such a cute bg design too.. eek. also found his 3 anni ring for like 20$? i went onto mfc to search for the listing and Remembered. i couldnt buy one when the preorder was open BUT. when these hit resale? IM DROPPING EVERYTHING. im so srs. so cute... (´꒳`)♡ !!! and these too! one of my fav trickstar songs is daydream x reality... eauggaghhhh. GOODNIGHT (01:50)

im alive. that math exam on friday went Okay. no one in my class finished the test. id expected that since my friend in the other class said that happened in theirs too. man. i only finished bc id skipped a few, and when there was like only 2 min left, i just put down random answers. only did that for like 3 questions, so hopefully i do okay. i have law + language on monday, then history and science on tuesday. and im FREE. that timer onmy homepage til sweden is the only thing keeping me going istg..

after my exam me n michelle went to go see the nutcracker! it was our third year seeing it, but this time it was in fox theatre! gorgeous gorgeous theatre. ill upload some photos i took later bc im too tired rn. great show! i enjoyed it. there was a segment where the nutcracker and clara each had one wing, so when they embraced each other it looked like a bird in flight. really really gorgeous. that was what i remembered the most, bc i dont think they did that in the other theatre. we got vip tickets, which was really cool. they had like a whole seperate lounge that we hung out in before the show. a buffet and drinks n stuff. really stupidly fancy. i felt rlly outta place, esp bc my outfit was just a sweater. oh and then tmrw me n a couple friends are going to the library to study for exams. excited!

ive been kinda squinting at my website for a couple days. its not that im unhappy w it, but that i feel like i could better now. that my html skills have improved since ive made it, and now the website doesnt reflect that. ive been using a pinterest board to get a general feel for what i want it to look like. it is.. surprisingly hard to find orange/blue imgs.

racing miku 2024 was announced! ive been rlly into vocaloid again lately..

PERSONALLY i rlly like her design!! im a sucker for witch themes. im not the Biggest fan of the all white, but i think it looks good w the pink cape thing. contrast and what not. i also like her hat! it making space for her twintails is rlly cute (´ ω `♡) GOODNIGHT! (03:03)

things (bc i keep forgetting):

- play dramatical murder again

- project diva

- final fantasy

- finish albums on bookshelf.html

- pls finish history/science work.. GET THAT CURVE!!!!

- wash (?) headphones bc theyre kinda gross

- change website

- make sweden page. get ready so that i can easily update once im there

- PACK!!!

- in backpack

- chargers (phone/headphones, switch, camera, computer)

- switch

- camera

- computer

- headphones AND earbuds

- mini green notebook + pens/pencil/eraser

- the Plush im taking w me this time (DECIDE!!!!!!!!!)

- deodorant

- water bottle

- gloves

- put pins onto backpack

- schoolwork........ maybe put this into luggage

- to wear: thermal wear + shirt + sweatshirt... maybe even coat? jeans OR sweatpants.

- shoes: those black boots. do Not wear converse istg

ela exam went well. p easy and i finished early. However. i just spent like 2 hrs finishing this godforsaken math packet. 54 pages front and back why would she even. who thinks of this? and to take it up for a grade too? why would she do this to herself. theres an answer key online and for like the last 12 (out of 230 smth questions..) i just copied. i am NOT sacrificng precious sleep time. but! good news! theres two midterms tmrw, and im exempt from the first one. so i only have to come in for the math exam, and then im home by 2pm. god BLESS!!!!! i think the math exam starts like? 11:05? so ill probably get there around 10:30 by car, mostly bc i think i left my jacket and its a Really Nice Jacket n i want it back. midterms gunna end around 12:20 but my bus takes around 2 hrs.... ill probably catch a quick nap or bring my switch.

i told myself i was gunna wake up early to show work for those problems icopied, but i think we both know thats Not gunna happen. i am So Sleept. i love vocaloid and im Seeing the nutcracker tmrw w michelle...... so excited.. weekeend... study session on sunday in library w friends... i think i will be alright ( ´ ▽ ` ) goodnight! (00:50)

first exam in literally 15 minutes. scary! im both extremely calm and also very nervous. i have my ela midterm first, which is probably the subject im most confident in. so i think itll go well. i have my tamaharu rosary beads w me (lol). i realize now that i probably shouldve made the bead part itself longer? i might remake it. this is something i always do - bring a little good luck trinket w me into testing. most times its just in my pocket. or im wearing it, if its a necklace or earrings or ring. i think it started a couple yrs ago, when i went to my first ever anime convention. they were selling little eraser omamoris, and i got an orange one bc it was my fav color. figured out later that i'd bought the one for good luck w tests! so id put it into my pocket whenever i had a test. its on my keys now. now the trinket is whatever brings me joy - usually an item from a recent interest. (see: tamaharu rosary)

i think the basis of this. superstition? is that ive never really practiced organized religion. my parents are orthodox christians, and i was baptized as a baby and all that. ive attended churches when i was younger. i liked the candles we lit, they have a certain smell thats rlly nice. theyre also gorgeous. now we dont go, mostly bc of the russia/ukraine war. the orthodox churches around us are either ukranian or russian, and both hate the other. we're belarusian. ukranian churches would probably side eye us, bc belarus is politically aligned with russia. could go to a russian church, but they support the war. ykwim? im getting sidetracked - anyways. not a lot of religious influence in my life. no interest in it. when i was like ten i found out abt paganism, and then wicca. got really interested and read a lot abt it. then i guess i kinda? lost interest?? but i think what i researched during that time still stuck w me. YES i am going to stir clockwise to bring good luck! i will do affirmations! i will read tarot! i will respect the natural life around me! i will charm objects w good intent/put them under sun/moonlight and then bring them as good luck charms! i will see signs in the number of crows! i dunno. ok like 10 min before my exam idk why im yapping abt this when i should be STUDYING.. pray 4 me

ROMANTIC XDAY RELEASED the song is just as good as i hoped. god. so good!!!!!!! check it out on youtube here! i love makotos voice at 1:43. eek. i listened to it for like 3 hours straight during school. its so catchy for no reason!! makoto is rlly cute in the mv too (─‿‿─)♡ i am happy.

the release of that event is Very good timing bc otherwise i dont know what i wouldve found joy in. lots of schoolwork. my first exam is tmrw, in ela. im not too worried. its at the end of the day too, so ill have time to prepare. what i AM worried abt is math. on friday.. i have to finish this big ass packet that we also have to turn in as part of the exam grade. 54 sheets (front and back!!). jesus. so much paper. why would she want to grade all that..? well! ill live. this week has gone by surprisingly fast? like. tmrws already thursday. scary!!!!!!

i have Not been getting enough sleep lately.. proven by my recent journal entries. i wake up 6 everyday too.. yeesh. ive been brainstorming some changes id like to make to the site. nothing concrete yet, except a sad looking pinterest board. goodnight! (00:17)

never trust how you feel after 8pm, especially in the winter. i feel better than last night. finished and submitted my science project.. that thing was such a drag. it lasted for three weeks. it was easy enough in the beginning, but afterwards it all just turned to mush. me and mom went on an outing today! i had asked her if we could make any time to go to a couple stores, and today was that day. she surprised me by taking me to texas steakhouse before we got to the stores. i fucking love that place. the butter rolls? amazing. my god. im a big fan of steak too. medium rare for the win! whenever i eat with michelle and order medium rare, she always jokes around that its raw and bloody. she gets her steak well? i think? idk how you can eat anything other than medium rare. well is always way too dry. ANYWAYS. i guess i was hungry bc i ate that 8oz steakup in 7 minutes!!! practically inhaled it! butter rolls were good too.

then we went to micheals, bc i wanted to buy beads for the tamaharu keychain. ive been joking around that im clutching them like rosary beads (im not religious so i have no clue if im misusing that or not), and then i was like, ahah, what if i committed to this bit. and i did. it turned out pretty cute! im not an arts n crafts person, so this was a change of pace for me. yay! im so scared of it falling apart lol. i tied like 6 knots but im still terrified. oh well. after micheals we went to target, where i bought two pairs of sweatpants. i have now figured out that they are a size too small. well. shucks. i bought my mom her christmas gift. im really bad at picking out gifts.. i guess i overthink it? or dont think abt it enough?

ok my site is literally named tsumugsfish after tsumugi aoba from ensemble stars. im gunna talk abt Enstars. if you dont know what that is its a japanese rhythm game. i am very normal about it. apart from tsumugi, im also insane about makoto yuuki. hes apart of the unit trickstar. their climax event just got announced yesterday ( ´ ▽ ` ).｡ｏ♡ its. its christmas jazz themed. the snippet of romantic xday thats in the trailer? IM GOING CRAZY. it literally sounds so good its just the type of music i like.. AAAAAAAAAAA.... sadly makoto did not get a five or four star card this time around. cursed to forever be a 3*... his card is still so cute tho i am NOT complaining!!

heres that snippet from the trailer ^. im so excited u guys. OH and another event just got announced!! WITH TSUMUGI AS THE 3*. hes also adorable T__T...

both imgs r up there just bc that formatting is easier. all these imgs on the sides reminds me of like. a month ago, before the revamp. when id put imgs on the sides like stickers? fond memories... it gets better! goodnight! (1:34)

i want to hold my life in my hands. i need to do schoolwork but honestly i just cannot force myself to. i know im gunna cram it all in the days before. this is awful. i will hold my life in my hands and i will play whack a mole with it. i will do Something!
i miss fe3h. i think ill replay it. i took some Really shitty photos of my shelves on the lumix camera. they WOULD be better quality with the colors not fucked up if i had actually ordered that sd card adapter. im literally scanning it with camscanner. oh well. ill put em here bc i do Not want to contaminate photos with that lolol. and i like my shelves so i still wanna share.



^ absolutely abysmal. mercury will enter retrograde on the 13th. and wont leave it until jan 1st. is this why i feel shitty? i think its easier to blame the moon than myself. well. tomorrow i will wake up. ill change. by posting this ill try to hold myself accountable. i WILL work on my math stuff in the library. goodnight! (23:56)

short entry bc id like to go to sleep. it IS getting worse. midterms week is hell. i am overwhelmed with schoolwork. i want to change. i want to be better and smarter and i want to pursue the stuff that makes me happy. i finally found something that i enjoy, and i want to work on it. i want to learn. i want to evolve and be happy with it. but i cant do that rn, bc i have to study for midterms. i have to make a good grade on this. i just have to get thru this week, and then two days, and im free. it will pass quickly. it will be ok. i am allowed to struggle. i am allowed to grow and get better. when i was in kindergarten i remember writing some kind of assignment. on the paper that has empty space up top for a drawing, and big lines on the bottom for young writers and clumsy letters. the thing id written had every sentence starting with i. my teacher reprimanded me, telling me i should have more variety. couldnt help but remember it, bc i am certainly not following that rule right now. oh well gn (23:06)

40k views!!! 60 followers!!! oh my god!!!!! im being percieved!! everyone on neocities is so cool.. all of u guys r so so creative and wonderful with your websites. some1 will follow me and im like oh cool and i check their website and its like. the pinnacle of graphic design. its very inspiring to see ahah. i just wanted to say a little more here,,

well. i wish this blog post could be a positive one, following that paragraph, but sadly that is Not the case. i think im getting worse? im not slipping into absolute misery like i wouldve a year ago, but im still feeling worse. i think thats ok. as long as i dont spiral. i think its just bc i have midterms coming up and suddenly i feel dumb as rocks. idk this school year has absolutely drained any confidence i had regarding academics. i used to be Pretty good. yk. smart? i guess? i always made higher than a 90 on tests. and this yr its like... euerm. what happened. and it feels like everyone around me isnt struggling as much as me. or not like that. its more like we all struggled at the beginning, but theyre learned how to work around it and i just Havent. so im just at a loss T__T

i think bc of that, im kinda unconsciously seeking comfort, so im going back into my older interests. fe3h, tears of themis, persona 5. its funny bc whenever i feel myself being drawn into any of those again, i take a step back and im like 'wait. maybe i should look at my mental state a little closer rn'. and im always feeling worse lolol. or maybe its just 5 am and im overthinking! goodnight.

yea that midterm panic is setting in. eek. i did Not sleep well last night, and its so cold. i live in georgia i am Not fit for 42 degree weather, no matter how eastern european i may be. i wear like thermal wear underneath too but IM STILL COLD... shiver my timbers. had a free period today and just worked in the library.

atlus released a new trailer for metaphor: refantazio and honestly? i might have to play. it looks so damn cool,,,, the ui is EVERYTHING.. the music? character design? im flabbergasted. heres official website if you wanna check it out. i love the protags design! its on the right. saur cute......... i think the release is gunna be fall 2024, so. i guess ill wait until then T__T,,
the first song in the game sound preview reminded me a Lot of god shattering star from fe3h. so much whimsy. god i love video game music.

1:09 - I NEED TO START GOING TO BED EARLIER I HAVE A TEST TMRW. or today LITERALLY IN LESS THAN 8 HOURS HELp... anyways ive been updating my website almost everday im so proud of myself? goodnight

tamaharu keychain. im clutching it like people clutch rosary beads rn. THEYRE SO CUTEand ohhh mygod. THEY'RE LITERALLy


THEYRE LITErALLY HOLDING HANDS BEHIND THE FLOWER THING OHMYGODDDDDD are u kidding
really shitty photo sorry its Dark. i didnt know abt this. until i physically held it in my hands. i shrieked. oh my god. i think this is the only thing i can think abt rn. its not clear in that photo but haruhi also has a little flower on the side of her dress....... i just cried GOODNIGHT o7 (23:56)

THE TAMAHARU KEYCHAIN ARRIVED!!!!!!! i just have to wait until i get home to Claim it.. ehehehe... very excited. i hope usps Actually left it in my mailbox and didnt just take it back to their office. thats happened a couple times and its so annoying bc i have to find a spot in my schedule to actually drive out and pick it up. the whole reason i bought it online is bc i'd like it to be delivered to my house! defeats the whole purpose.
today has been good so far. i still need to work on my trinkets page.. the photos page is coming along nicely. i just gotta add more photos lol. most of the photos are hosted on catbox sadly, bc everytime i upload an img the 'using % MB of your one GB' increases by a whole precent and that Stresses Me Out. i have finals soon and i feel like i should be more worried. itll probably set in next week. for now im just living day to day. its nice.
OH and i decided to join the bookbug book club! i think it'll be nice to have a set goal, one that can be measured and finished within the month. ill be on a plane for like? 8 hrs? on the 24th, so ill probably read then. overall: excited for the future and hopeful for the present

woke up Peeved today. one of those days where the only thing you can think about is just how nice it would be to go back to sleep. i showered, and then i guess the coffee i drank really kicked in bc i started feeling. Apathetic? but also very energetic. i did 105 sit ups for no good reason and then i couldnt inhale strongly without coughing. and the back of my throat felt cold. i was just Doing stuff the entire day. math quiz 87, random science quiz 85, that test i took a week ago? 89. higher than most people in my class! i felt like i didnt really care What i was doing, but because i was at school, i should do it anyways. felt.. arrogant? like even if i did something Badly, i still did it, and thats better than not doing it at all, and if im going to do it anyways i might as well try harder? I DONT KNOW trying to put a Whole day into a sentence is STUPID and i should stop. anyways. when i got home (around 16:45) i wanted to go on a walk. the sun here sets at like 17:30 every day so i was kinda hurrying. my mom ended up coming w me. u can see the photos i took @ photos on the sidebar. yay!

happy birthday luke pearce from tears of themis. Major character i enjoy i love him. shockingly enough it was this otome game that inspired me to start looking at law, NOT ace attorney or even goro akechi. the plush i have of him is so silly looking, his head is like. stupidly disproportional to his body. i love tears of themis, and its one of my older interests. its always very comforting to return to it. his birthday art this year is ALSO very cute!!! the outfit!!!!!!!

question for anyone who likes foreign (?) media: do you celebrate a characters birthday when its that day in Your timezone, or the place of origins timezone? thats kinda hard to read so: lukes birthday is dec 5. tot is a chinese game, so lots of people celebrate when its dec 5 in china. i personally celebrate both when its in china AND in my timezone. i think celebrating when its the place of origins. Day. keeps people unified. the more i type the stupider my question sounds like Of Course you celebrate in native timezone. so that everyone celebrates at same time. ANYWAYS! yes i will forever celebrate fitional characters birthdays goodnight (00:51)

afterthought: when i was typing this i actually hesitated mentioning luke at all bc part of my brain was like 'you cannot talk about your interests thats Cringe and youre going to burn for a thousand years.' n then i stepped back and was like? what. this site is literally MADE by me. FOR ME!!! if i talk abt my interests thats not cringe thats just me Enjoying them. good god. i need to allow myself to be joyous when it comes to my interests. maybe its the autism but im always hyper aware of what Everyone in the room may think of Anything at Any Given Time. i think its the empathy?? and by writing this im actually realizing that i have always thought of someone elses reaction first whenever i do Anything at all. even online. holy shit. i dont know if its 'empathy' but its like im Gauging the thoughts of everyone around and reacting according to that. ill think abt this later whatever TL:DR; it was the autism all along

theoretically i should probably delete most of the last two paragraphs and just keep the actual Conclusions that i reached. but also ill keep em up bc i think itll be funny to read later on. gn (1:00)

hello everynyan. today was a struggle but i Won. the day was good, lots of projects being assigned. not too worried abt that. went to pilates, which HURT today. absolute struggle. by the end of it my pain had turned to anger and i just wanted to rip someone to shreds. but i didnt! i did the horrible painful exercises anyways. grah. when i got home i found my familys old lumix camera, and panasonic cam coder... so epic. i love old tech. i need to get a new sd card for the cam coder, but the lumix camera works great!! the cam coder has a FLASHLIGHT which was epic to see. plus it has silly soun effects! i think ill start taking pictures on that. i have a big Good camera, but i find that its hard to take photos with it when im constantly lugging it around and worrying over it. i still use it of course, but its mostly reserved for family vacations. this lumix camera will be good for everyday! i just need to buy one of those sd card readers. they seem cheap enough. i want to set up a couple new pages on this site: a trinkets page, and a photography page. the trinkets page is inspired by vashtis dangerous.html (btw, i cried when i read the 'to the young that want to die' poem. poem turned me inside out tbh. sobbed.), because i hoard a lot of screenshots and the like on my phone. though it will be more like a trinket drawer, without a common theme. and the photography page is Also because i keep taking photos without anywhere to store them. ANDDD ive taken some decent photos! if i do say so myself. goodnight! (22:47)

today was good! woke up at 1pm. me n my mom decided to finally visit the teso life that had opened near us. it was very cool!!!! i bought lots of snacks, and a couple christmas gifts for my friend :3 i got a lot of those coffee rolls, bc i find that they help me continue living if im having a particularly hard morning. they look kinda like this, just coffee flavored. i promise they look more appetizing irl lmfao.. i also got some braised beef lays chips. which. i bought as like a 'haha wonder if these'll taste good' but theyre actually pretty good! overall: very successful trip. then we went to hmart, as its close. just got some groceries, but i was hungry, so i ordered from the food court they have there. i got hibachi, which was fried rice along with beef. they gave me the smallest ammount of beef possible istg. it was like, 5 or 6. THIN ASS STRIPS. it was crazy. the fried rice tasted good though.. THENNNNN we went into kinokuniya :3 i got p5 mementos mission 2, p5 a la carte anthology, and vol 4 of ohshc! i wouldve bought another vol of ohshc, but they didnt have 5 or 6 :( there were some chainsaw man cosplayers, they looked rlly good!! i think it was makima and angel? angel had like actual wings which was pretty cool. and then someone else came in wearing one of those inflatable suits, but it was pochita. very cool. overall: big success!

i got home n started sorting out my stuff.. then i started printing out my midterm review sheets for science. SEVENTY FUCKING PAGES T__T. my printer ran outta paper halfway through, and then JAMMED. a struggle. i eventually got em printed, and i was gunna print the math ones, but it was Another 54 pages. i can ask my library to print em for me so that theyre double sized. that would be much better... eek.

i didnt do a Lot of work on my website this weekend, but i think thats ok. i have time. goodnight. (23:55)

yesterday was good! my aunt is back again, so i hope my cousins will be slightly less annoying. shes the only one i actually like having around. she brough gifts from belarus!!!! id been pestering my mom abt whether or not she has any zemfira cds back in our old apartment. she didnt :( BUT! she did have an igor talkov pt 2 cd, and a Машина времени cd. heheheh. so both of those god passed down onto me!!! very very happy. my grandma had asked if there was anything in particular i wanted, and i said earrings, bc i thought itd be nice to have some jewlery that was hand picked by her. a heirloom idk. she got me two pairs; silvers studs that im wearing rn, and some small gold hoops. the silver studs have a design ive never seen before. its three diamonds in a row from smallest to greatest, almost like a comet. theyre very very pretty... i almost cried lolol. then my aunt surprised me. i call her my aunt, but i think shes a cousin of my dad. anyways. my aunt's mom (lets call her nina) knew my dads grandma, who sadly passed away before i could really remember her. i think i met her, but i dont recall. SO! nina actually gave me a present too, which was really unexpected. she gave me a ring that my grandma had picked out for her. i CRIED. it means a lot to me, especially because id never met any of my dads family. really really special... i havent told my dad yet, because hes not home rn and id like to see his reaction live.

it rained again today. i woke up at 3pm. didnt really do much. ill start prepping for my midterms tmrw... eek. worked on my site mostly. added a bunch of links. i think ill work on index + bookshelf a little more. goodnight (1:03)

a new month. hello hello. its a very December like day. it rained this morning, and its been foggy/hazy since. i dont think itll rain again, but i hope it does. i was thinking - id like to add a little more to my site. its very minimalist rn, very little imgs or anythin.. ill work on it over the weekend :3 multiple choice test today! im sure itll go well enough. im pretty good at those, and we get a square root curve. so its all good. its nice that im feeling Better.. things r looking up!

current playlist:
neon - yukina
heartbreak, heartbreak - p4 soundtrack
guilty beauty love - tamaki suohs character song
daylight - morfonica

want to do:
- play dramatical murder
- webbed site
- get graphics
- enlongate that mf
- MORE!!!!!
- tamaki suoh page?
- think of older anime sites. slight redesign?
- work on akechi shrine that poor guy
- get good sleep
- stop caring what others think of me
- hype myself up to talk to the girl in the library on monday

ok i survived. i kinda yapped. but oH MY GOD THIS ENTRY IS EXACTLY 10 HRS AFTER THE LAST ONE.. thats actually a crazy coincidence. omfg. anyways. but i think it went well! on the bus home we drove by a lake. there were at least 50 ducks, just swimmin. havin a jolly time. was very cute... i ordered another thing: an ohshc fan book. for 15$. i saw it being sold for like 44$.. crazy. window shopping online is dangerous.

TEST RODAY. the written part. my class is the last to take it. not as scared as i was on monday. hopefully it goes well!

unfortunately i havent had much time to write bc im. stressed n busy and uhhhaggghh. BUT SOME HIGHLIGHTS:
- waved to a lot of people in the halls today! felt nice to talk to people again and. know that people? know me?
- cleo rlly likes sleeping on me lately. whenever im sitting or laying down she'll come right over n lay over my stomach. i think its bc jts getting colder but its still cute nonetheless
- getting by day by day is getting easier. i think. im okay and im getting through stuff... its easier to live than it was, say, a yr ago. yk? and im proud of myself for that.
- acanthe by valkyrie is a rlly good song. its one of the first songs that rlly clicked wkth me when i first started playing enstars. wonderful song. reminds me of summer 2022
- im aging. im older. this is strange
- i finished reading the ohshc manga today (2 am....) let me say: i Cried. i love tamaki and haruhi and kaoru and hikaru and kyoya and mori and honey andaugggh T__T .. the entire cast just means so so much to me.. ohshc you will always be famous. i need to buy the physical volumes soon. i love tamaki. hes just so so sweet idk i always rlly nice main characters...
- drama by txt is good. im falling back on old interests (kpop, enstars, ohshc) and it feels comforting. its nice to like something familiar and know that. youve liked it for a while?
- i rlly envy people who can stick to Just One Interest and are just. so so passionate abt it. im very envious - but i think im starting to be happy with how *i* enjoy things too. i like switching from interest to interest, bc then i can connect with all kinds of people who Also like it!
- ive kinda been thinking about the future, and i think id like to learn japanese a little. my Big dream would be to one day help translate mangas and the like, but ill focus on just taking baby steps. its the first time ive had anything resembling a 'goal'... ive actually never understood ppl who can Set goals and Achieve them. but now i have something like that. less tangible, sure, but still. a dream! something id like to do! a reason for living!
- for some reason when i was younger i thought myself to be this awful awful person. and i guess because of that, i in turn believed i would hurt the people around me, and deluded myself into thinking i was a 'loner' or introvert of some sort. (sounds childish when i write it out... lmfao) IM NOT?!?!?! sure im not the best at approaching people, and maybe i suck at conversations irl, but i LIKE people. id like to talk to people and connect with them. find out more abt them. ykwim?!! there is so much to love about people ,,
- are some of these long and winded revelations a direct result of finishing the ohshc manga? maybe. ill never tell!!!!!!

i was Not planning to write that much but i guess i had a lot to say. goodnight!! (23:25)

((i live in the us, which uses rhe AM/PM time, but me n my parents still have our phones on 24 hr time.. i thjnk ill use 24 hr time on my website from now on.)) (((why do americans call it military time?)))

listening to drama by txt and guilty beauty love (tamaki suohs character song from ohshc)
i feel better. i think. only one class left and its one of my favorites, so i will struggle and live through the day!!!!!

didnt sleep well last night. i stayed up p late just reading the ohshc manga, and then after that i just couldnt get comfortable enough to fall asleep. woke up at 7 in Agony, took a shower, and used my strawberry shea sugar body scrub. smells amazing. lifted my mood a little. im at lunch rn, and i only have one period left. i can do this. ill survive, i think. im mostly just scared for my tests on wednesday and friday. buts its ok. im ok. update 1:38PM: nvm i lied im a Struggler oh my god. i think im gunna be sick. im like physically scared of next class, bc its the one w the tests on wednesday and friday. idk. buts its ok!!!!! affirm!! affirm!!! im normal!!!!!!! its ok!!!

school tmrw. agony. im finishing up some assignments rn that ill have to turn in on friday. i have a test on wednesday and friday, from the same class. wednesday is written, friday is multiple choice. this is Awful. i cannot do this anymore + midterms are so soonRAGGGHHHH.

on the bright side - christmas in 29 days! christmas break in 25! sweden trip in 28! less than a month!!!!! i have to pick out gifts for friends, which stresses me out, but ill live. i have time. as long as i keep living i can always do something. theres a way out of every situation. augh.

bc ive been stressed abt the coming weeks, ive decided to treat myself. i bought that keychain. was it more expensive than it shouldve been? yes! do i regret it? no! does my wallet hurt a little bit! yes!! but, again, i deserve it. its absolutely adorable.. very excited to recieve it :3 it should come around dec 20 - jan 5? so. yippee!!!!

working on bookshelf page again. leaving kpop albums for tmrw bc thats the biggest part.. very scary. my heads kinda swimming, which probably isnt a good thing, so ill just watch a ohshc episode and go to bed. almost 500 views on my site! thats fucking crazy! tysm to all of u... ive been listening to 'guily beauty love' a lot, tamakis character song from ohshc. kinda goes crazy. gn!

i keep writing entries at past midnight. eek. thanksgiving was nice - the turkey my mom made was rlly good. the drumstick was probably my favorite part. the meat was really tender + juicy. Very good.. continued rewatching ohshc. was window shopping on mercari/ebay for ohshc merch and found this keychain. cutest keychain ive seen in my life ohmygoddd.. so small.. so adorable.. its like $45+ everywhere i look though. sniffle. stuff like this is my motivation to study n work hard - maybe one day i can comfortably afford all the stuff i want!

working on setting up bookshelf page. ive just put in all the titles, and ill scan it tmrw. looking at all the stuff i have in list form is crazy like.. i didnt think my collection was anywhere near that size.

i feel better today than that last journal entry. it was raining yesterday, and it hasnt rained in a while. it was nice waking up to that. i think that kinda just shifted my mood around. something clicked, idk. at the beginning of the week id just sit around on my phone, and i didnt have enough energy to think thoughts. but after that rainfall? idk? im doing things, even if theyre not productive. bought + played a couple hours of dave the diver, on my nintendo switch. pretty fun game! i like that theres a specific checklist of things to do. and yk how games like to make the objective a riddle? yea, none of that here. i have to find 3 blue shells? got it. i have to kill a shark, and its on the right side of the map? done n done. its so nice. i think its just what i needed. im rereading the ohshc manga, and rewatching the anime. god i love the ohshc anime. ive rewatched the whole thing at LEAST 6 times. amazing show. oh, and me n my mom went out for some texas roadhouse today. it was very nice to leave the house. those texas roadhouse rolls are a fucking Blessing. idk WHAT theyre made of but they taste amazing. best thing ever. if i was on death row id request my last meal to be a texas roadhouse new york strip steak (medium rare), with 27 of those damn butter rolls.

we got our food to go so me n my mom watch a ghibli movie together. we've basically watched all of them at this point, so 'tales from eathsea' was left. it was, very confusing? to say the least? overall you just have no clue as to whats happening or anything. feels very unsatisfying. i did like the overall message though! that if you seek eternal life, the thing youre really scared of isnt death, but life. it was smth more profound than that, but ive forgotten. i quite related to the main character, arren. its embarassing to admit, really, bc it seems so Sad and stupid when you look at it from an outsiders pov. id rate it 6/10. its beautiful (as ghibli films tend to be), and it really tries to get a message across, but it just doesnt succeed in the way it wanted to. 'nausicaä of the valley of the wind' stays on TOP!!!

i think tomorrow will be good.

hasnt been a journal entry in a while n thats bc im Drained. no school this week, and i dont have a job, so im just sleeping. imvery demotivated. i need to HUSTLE rn. i keep wanting to do things but im too emotionally drained to invest in them. persona 5 tactia came out last week and i Still havent bought it bc
#1: i keep seeing people say its not worth it
#2: im basically only buying it for akechi, and the dlc hes in is Apparently only 5 hrs worth of content. which means. 80$ for five hours of content. thats not a very smart decision.
#3: i Cannot get emotionally invested into a storyline rn bc i am Too drained.
#4: i dont have any motivation to do anything, which means if i DO buy it, and dont play it, thats 80$ down the drain. a struggle

but yk its whatever ill get better eventually. maybe. i need to watch mean girls and make a christmas list. theres so much stuff i wanna do but zero motivation to do so tmrw im gunna just stay off my phone and take a walk. its always bc of that damn phone

spoilers for hunger games ballad of songbirds and snakes! both the movie and book.

HELLLOOOOO i watched ballad of songbirds n snakes yesterday. best fucking movie ive ever seen omfg i loved it soso much. there were so many good lines that they took directly from the book. every time they did i whipped my head around to look at my friend and tried to silently communicate how insane i was going with just my eyes. IT WAS SOOOO GOOD ohmy god the SETS the sets looked absolutely Amazing everything feels so real and so accurate to the book. im sad that they had to take some stuff out, and i think it definitely couldve been a 2 parter, but im glad they made it one full movie! if i had to wait another year for a second part i wouldve actually gone fucking insane. but for the 3 hrs they had THEY DID SOOOO GOOD!!!!!!!! i loved loved loved tom bylths acting. coryo,, you could literally feel his Anger and rage and emotionasa augggagahh. the scene where he killed bobbin? i had CHILLS oh my god. it was fucking primal. and when he was in the forest at the end? going after lucy gray? his emotions get through to the viewer So well. augh. i loved sejanus' acting too. he deserved so much better omfg. i was so sad to see that his "gorgeous. trust me, that lips working for you, soldier." line wasnt in the movie!!! thats 100% one of my favorite lines omfg sejanus my son. my boy. youre probably gay as hell you deserved better.. + we only got one snowbaird kiss!!! evil evil evil. absolutely evil.

i loved rachel zeglers acting. lucy grays 'well im not made of sugar,,' line at the very end gave me chills. OOHHOH and when she was singing with the snakes?!?!?!!!? CHILLS absolutle chills she looked so fucking angry it was So so good. her joy at seeing coryo in 12 again.. augh. aughhhhh. ive seen people complain about there being too much singing in the movie, to which i say: are you stupid. its called BALLAD of SONGBIRDS and snakes. look me dead in the eye. jesus christ. easiest way to tell ppl havent read the book.. lucy gray only sings like three times! i wish shed sung more tbh! i wonder where lucy gray got the guitar from? the one she performed with in the capital? bc she asked coryo for it, but he was hospitalized after the bomb, so its not like he couldve given it to her... in the book he asks pluribus for it, but pluribus isnt even in the movie so. erm. also, the very first scence, where the guy chops off the dead maids leg? they never elaborate that he eats it later.. i guess its assumed, but i feel like people whohavent read the book wouldnt make that connection.

the movie felt very jarring in its violence, but they actually never really showed that much blood. i liked that, bc i think it put more focus on the violence of the action, not the violence of the outcome. you can only feel hatred for the killer, not sympathy with the victim. yk? they changed a lot of the tributes' deaths, which felt a little unnatural bc as i was watching i was like 'wait..,,?' but i couldnt rlly remember. reapers death was killer. in the book lucy gray poisons him herself, but in the movie he lets the snakes overtake him as he kneels in front of his graveyard thing.. very sick. again: chills. i was amazed the entire movie. my friend said i looked really really focused while watching. i was just trying to memorize every detail to compare it to the book later,,

i keep seeing people try to theorize about lucy grays fate. people keep wanting her to somehow be another character thats been mentioned before. ive seen people say that she becomes president coin and im like. thats. president coin is like,, opposite of lucy gray? i truly believe that she just disappeared like her ballad. i think olivia rodrigos song rlly captures my thoughts: "There's snow fallin' over the city / You thought that it would wash away / The bitter taste of my fury / And all of the messes you made / Yeah, you think that you got away" -> snow rises to power in the capital, believing all evidence of lucy gray is gone, and hes free. "But I'm in the trees, I'm in the breeze / My footsteps on the ground / You'll see my face in every place / But you can't catch me now" -> even though all 'evidence' of lucy gray is gone, her songs live on through the covey, and eventually through katniss. similar to how mockingjays pass on songs. lucy gray lives on through her songs. snow probably sees lucy gray in katniss. i also think this ties into how the fandom keeps trying to theorize about lucy gray being coin or greasy sae. 'You'll see my face in every place / But you can't catch me now'...

i also really liked the performances of lucy gray. rachel zeglers choice to sing live rlly helped bring some realness to it. 'the old therebefore' is insane. thats the one where shes singing with the snakes. its phenomenal. im actually running out of synonyms to describe this movie.

the old therebefore...its honest to god. like. its stunning. please listen. i like how they kept the movie audio and didnt just record a seperate clean version. hearing coryo speak in the song too adds some ambiance. "When I’m pure like a dove, / When I’ve learned how to love," is just SOOOO GOOD AUUAGAGHHH. its so good.

ok yapping OVER. after i got home from the movie i fell asleep onmy floor. which probably isnt good for my back. annddd today i just got a haircut. im on my week long break, so im Very excited to get some good sleep this week.

ok im writing. things:
- im v excited for hunger games movie tmrw
- im drawing again, which is nice
- ive realized that even if my art doesnt look good, its still a drawing. it still counts. thats ok
- music is nice
- sleep is nice
- i want to wear my bomber jacket + crossbody bag tmrw
- i want to be warm

goodnight

dawggg these mfs behind me on this bus are annoying as hell i cant believe i hqve to sit here for another 20 minutes hel

hello i survived. got home. went with mother to target + barnes n nobles. dropped 75 dollars... bought ballad of songbirds n snakes (bc its my fav in the series n i Have 2 own it!!), volumes 2 and 3 of no.6, and !!! the thing im most excited abt!!! a dvd of the 2016 magical mirari vocaloid concert!!! it was 16$ and 30% off?? so so crazy. i checked the dvd section on a complete whim. im so so glad,, it feels very special idk. overall! very happy w it! i had a science test today, which went ok. the second part is tmrw. i also had a world history quiz, which i got a 105 on. academic weapon..

maybe bc its cold, but i keep remembering this one dream i had,, maybe half a yr ago? i dont remember it as well, but the Feeling is very strong. im in belarus, and its winter. its gray and kinda hard to see. theres snow piled up on the ground, and a little bit of fresh snow falling as well. birch trees all around.. im with my mom. we get to a road, bc we're crossing from one sidewalk to the one on the other side. we cross. walk a little more. eventually this just. Deep and all consuming fear overcomes me. i dont know. im still walking with my mom, but im paranoid. i hear some kind of officers in the distance, and i have to fight the urge to run or drop to the ground. i dont really remember anything more. but i just feel the extreme fear i did in that moment. dont know what it was caused by. i have very very vivid dreams, and usually theyre long to the point where if i was explaining it to someone, itd take 6 full minutes of talking to do it. lately, ive been having more frequent dreams where im just experiencing extreme fear or pain. the emotion always has some kind of Story leading up to it, but its still extreme. yk? and its not like theyre nightmares. i dont wake up sweating, nor does the fear/pain follow me throughout the day. but it kinda lingers in the back of my head. ifeel like im talking in circles but it kinda hard to explain? just. the Dread.

tmrws thursday, which means that its less than 24 hrs until i see tbosas. my god. im Excited. im gunna cry i know it. very excited. it makes the struggle of this week worth it.

ive been seeing birds more and more. its very nice.

not sure if u can see but theres birds sitting on the spokes of that tower too.. i think its a cell tower?

hello i have around 4 minutes to write this. i love the hunger games.. bought tickets for the screening in my local theatre on friday. im so fucking excited. the days dont feel real. not that they dont feel real but that they dont feel Palpable. im going through the motions, but with no real heart or thought behind it. zemfira stays on top. cant catch me now by olivia rodrigo is a FUCKING BANGER!!!! its sucha good song. my god. my god. the lyrics too. im going crazy. this week is gunna be so hard for me w all the tests but its gunna be worth it in the end bc eheh .. hunger game movie.. i think il buy the tbosas book today. ehe. so that i have a physical..

hello everynyan i feel better now. went to pilates yesterday n felt better after some physical exercise ;; got rlly sleepy around 11 pm n then woke up today around 5 pm. 18hrs of sleep hallelujah! ive convinced my mom to watch all the hunger games movies, and im excited to hear her opinion on them! i think ill watch mockingjay pt 1 today.. also i am Very excited for the new movie... coriolanus is fine as hell idk. when he gets the buzzcut he kinda looks like a butch lesbian to me, which is hilarious considering he is the Furthest thing from that.

my thoughts on the book? loved it, actually. coriolanus does a lot of 'changing', which it to say he doesnt change at all. his views of the capital and districts stay the same, except now he just has more experience to back up his thoughts. yk? there were moments when id thought he'd changed, maybe gotten nicer or smth, but then he'll say something like 'wow good thing that guy died. he shouldve never stepped out of line like that. is he stupid? well, whatever, more spotlight for the snows'. and he just always.. thinks everything is a game? in a way? everything has to be done in a way to gain Some advantage. his actions always seem non genuine. calculated. sejanus points this out, actually. "I remember that from school. Watching you watch other people. Pretending you weren't. And choosing the moments you weighed in so carefully. " yea,, his whole possesiveness over lucy gray was HORRIBLE. i could Not stomach it. hes always going 'my girl' and 'belongs to me' and its so,, eugghhh. they wouldve been cute if not for that.

saying all this makes me seem like i just Absolutely hated him, but i didnt! he might actually be one of my favorites in the series. i like that you can see his train of thought so clearly. + that while his actions may not be the best, knowing his story allows the reader to empathize. dirt poor, trying his best to hide it, scrambling for any advantage to help his family. his talk with dean highbottom in the epilouge was rlly interesting to me. the way that highbottom had thought up the hunger games was rlly interesting,, "The assignment was to create a punishment for one's enemies so extreme that they would never be allowed to forget how they had wronged you... and like all good creations, absurdly simple as its core. The Hunger Games. The evilest impulse, cleverly packaged into a sporting event. An entertainment." and then afterwards, when theyre talking abt the use of children in the games, corio says "Because we credit them with innocence. And if even the most innocent among us turn to killers in the Hunger Games, what does that say? That our essential nature is violent". highbottom calls it self-destructive, too. reading back over the epilouge, i noticed that they actually never say coriolanus. they only ever say snow. i guess it represents that he's finally settled into the role that we know from the rest of the books? + a little tidbit that i liked. when hes younger, corio witnesses a man chop off a dead maid's leg to eat later. that mans daughter is named persephone, and is one of corios classmates. persephone. isnt that neat? something abt pomegranate seeds vs dead maids leg. always carrying that sin, whether she knows it or not.

also this happened like two days ago.. silly coincidence.

its finally the end of the week. i could not be more grateful. if i had to do even another day of this i would actually start screaming and bashing my head on the wall. im so serious. and maybe it wouldve been fine, but yesterday night i got fucked over by mother nature herself. i have,, a insanely bad fear of bugs (and mold, actually). i think the main reason behind it is it ties into the complusion of 'everything must be CleanTM'. i think thats part of the autism? i cant sit on my bed in outside clothes, cant touch dirty dishes, wont eat food bought or made by ppl i dont know (restaurants dont count) etc. anyways! last night. im getting ready 2 go to bed. to Hunker down per se. im putting my phone on the charger, setting it on my night stand, and i happen to look to the right. corner of my room. in that corner? bug. creature. some Thing. it took all of my strength and courage to not just bolt outside. it wasnt even that big, maybe like? an inch long? not very wide? but ITS A BUG and its in my ROOm which it what matters. my safe space,, and so at first im like ok i have empty water bottles ill trap it in there. but, dilemma. its in a Corner. water bottle is circle... if i tried to scrape it off the way by way of bottle mouth, theres a slight chance itll drop onto my carpet. cannot risk it. luckily i was gunna eat a lil snack before snoozing, so i just ripped open the chip bag, dumped out the contents on my nightstand, and scrapes it off into there. ran 2 bathroom. threw it in toilet. it kinda wiggled or died or whatever. thisis the time to mention that it had like... pincers? almost? at its end. idk. back half split into two sections. imagine my horror, when the thing starts SWIMMING. the pincef thing was acting as a fucking TAIL iohm godddd. i flush ofc but then im like Terrified bc thats unknown. that wasnt something i expected. so my brain goes Crazy and im like. what if theres more in my bed. my bedding. my shower. sink. drains. what if its in my ears my mouth whatever im not gunna get into detail. this type of thing has happened before so instead of goingcompletely into a meltdown, i decide to distract myself, as ive found that works best. something scary happen? do smth else! distract! get calmer! then, when calmer, actually assess the situation. anyways i endedup reading ballad of songbirds n snakes until 2 am. then iwas calm (and tired) enough to just Stop Caring. yea

now: school. on the days im more tired ill bring like two of those mini starbucks coffees, one for morning and the other for midday. it helps! my mom bought some pumpkin spice flavored ones, and i brought that. two cans, actually. so in my bag is one bottle of starbucks mocha, and two cans of this pumpkin spice stuff. dude i shouldve tried it at home bc it tastes like ASS!!!!!!!! i think i just dont like pumpkin spice. i didnt think it would Actually be spicy.. T__T? it fine while im taking the sip, but when it hits my tounge its like. worst thing ever. and then the after taste lingers for 2 minutes. and then i think, wow, wasnt that bad. and i take another sip and regret it. rinse n repeat. its actually making my head hurt, and i want to throw up. but ofc i finished the can bc im not wasteful... at least it woke me up? if i cant count on the caffeine in it, i can count on the spice. jesus christ im remembering the flavor and grimacing

OK and i finished ballad of songbirds and snakes on the bus this morning!!!! i quite liked it. its nice that coriolanus's values are so .. different? nice to see another pov. i liked how lucy gray did the same thing as her song said she would. and snow is so,, hes complex, ill give him that. but also not really. ill write more wheni get home my lunch is abt to end. I LIKED IT and im rlly excited now to see the movie

at the bus stop, saw three crows on a houses roof. could only tell they were crows bc they were cawing really loud. then one of em gave a particularlly loud caw n flew away. we dont really see crows around here, so it was nice + felt special? its a nice morning. i have a science quiz today ,,, got a 77 on the last one so maybe this one'll go better

i actually wanted to write abt this yesterday but i was just so tired + miserable i couldnt do it. i went to that friends band concert i mentioned two days ago! it was amazing. they all sounded stunning. stellar. the orchestra went bonkers, and then the ensemble that played last sounded absolutely insane. all their pieces were over 7 minutes long. i wouldve cried! and i did!!!!!! not bc i was playing, but bc i was listening. and being the one whos in the audience was,, new? horrible? extremely saddening? i used to play alto saxophone (which i think ive mentioned before?) before i had to quit this year. the school im at currently does not have a band program, so i had to give it up. when the bands were playing their pieces, i found myself instinctively listening to the saxophone parts. and i dunno, it just all hit me i think. that i wont be up there again. i just started crying. and its not like it was Sobbing Sobbing, i wouldnt allow myself to do that in public, but it was. misery. blinking away tears. lip Quivering. they even played a jazz piece, which was the one that broke me. i played in the jazz band too.....

when i look closer into Why im feeling sad, i think its just because i miss it. but when i try to define 'it', it kinda floats away from me. 'it' could be the people i played with, the music, the feeling of a Hobby, the anxiety of being on stage, the joy afterwards. i dunno. i miss everything. ive actually thought about joining some small local band, but i barely have enough time to type up a journal entry every night. how the fuck am i gunna find time to practice? plus im rusty. + i wasnt very good in the first place. AND. the cherry on top. my cousins are living with us now. i never practiced at home bc iwas scared my mom would hear me. and now with three extra people? hearing me practice? judging? forming opinons? i cannot do it. what i CAN do is sob myself to sleep, and im quite content with that, because that means eventually ill move on. eventually ill get stronger and just label the whole saxophone thing as a part of my life, and move on! maybe think abt it fondly once in a while, but move on!!

when i look at it even closer, i realize that i liked saxophone bc i didnt have to try very hard to be considered good. id been there the first year, and i was basically the only saxophone until the last year, so i was just. automatically the best. it not like i was very passionate either. i just did it. it was something i did. i liked the feeling of superiority it gave me. even if i was failed at everything that i tried to be good at, i was still first chair saxophone. and i didnt have to try very hard at that, so maybe i was worth something after all. maybe it was a lifeline? im not sure. i think i should stop trying to pick apart my feelings and just feel them, which sounds very cliche. but very true.

im realizing now that when i type i go on for a while, but try to break itup with periods, which just ends up with me starting way too many sentances with and. i also type 'i think' a lot. im a thinker i guess (this page alone has 61 "and"s)

finally started reading ballad of songbirds and snakes. its good! so far! i liked how collins wrote coriolus or whatever his name is. he seemed so self absorbed and snooty at the beginning, but lucy gray kinda changes him. very slowly. i like how just when you think hes been normal, he throws in another snooty comment. not much else to say, im only like 13? chapters in. i watched the movie trailer once before reading the book. and as i read, i start to throw out predictions, based on what i saw. hm. other than that, the only thing i have to look forward to is nov 17. for two reasons: hunger games movie, and my break starts then. thank God. if i had to do another month of this school thing idk if iwould make it. anyways goodnight ive been yapping for far too long

this morning has been a Struggle. i woke up late, which means i had to rush around doing everything quickly,,, and only half awake too,, we're also running out of coffee, which is Bad. if we run out ill need to fix my sleep schedule immediately. but!!! i have a week long break soon. i jusy have to survive till then. only 10 days. only 10 more days. arrggghhhhh. i also had a bad dream this morning, but i only remembered it later. in it, the pores across my nose and under my eyes had opened? and they were raw and blistering. that line across my face was bright bright red. and i was seeing this jn the mirror. very unsettling..

i did finish watching catching fire yesterday tho, so! i think the first movie was the most accurate to the books. they never even mentioned the bread rolls... josh hutchersons acting as peeta goes crazy here. jennifer lawrences too!! pain in her voice whenever anything happened. insane...

short entry again today bc i want to go to sleep.. apparently theres a new hunger games movie coming out in? 10 days???? the timing could not be better. im currently rereading all the books + rewatching the movies. oh my gah. maybe ill try to get some friends to come w me to watch it... ballad of songbirds and snakes i think its called? i need to read the book before i watch the movie. i think after i finished mockingjay i Tried to read it but i just couldnt find it in me to care for the story of snow. like idgaf man. that guys sick n twisted. but ill do it for the movie...

math and history quizzes tmrw ihate it here. math is ok. history is what im worried abt. but itsmy last period so i should be fine. i think. .. i hope. the only reason im still up is bc im rechecking my math work. arrgrghhhhhh. well. it is what it is... ill study for history during lunch too.

zemfiras music goes Crazy hard in the winter. i love her. all albums before 2008 are BANGERS... havent listened to her new stuff. maybe i will.

some of my friends are gunna be performing in a concert tmrw and im gunna try to see if i can Go......... i may be too tired. we'll see.

sleeping is so cool.. i love sleeping. especially in the winter. warm duvet... warm cat... cold outside... sleep and warm .. warm shower... warm drink.. yea........ i love winter ...

WAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! website looks Very cool and im very proud of myself for making it. all coded from scratch!! its very very nice to look at something and Know you made it. ofc its a work in progress rn but eheh... its all coming together.. its 5 am. whoops

talking in your sleep by the romantics is a very good song.

listening to Повесица by zemfira. ive just made a playlist of every song shes ever released + im listening to it on loop

i think i wanna remake my site. it was made w sadgrls layout maker, and i think it was def a good start. but id like it to be my Own.. my own code i guess. maybe itd feel more fufilling. i spent my lunch just looking at different websites for inspiration, and sketching layouts. im just indecisive. it all feels very Grand and Big, mostly bc i guess i immediately think of how much ill have to do and how long its gunna take andd.... forget the layout, i dont even know what i want the theme to be. font? imgs? main colors? what abt links? hows it all gunna formatted? i need to just. step back. i think.

ive mentioned it here before, but my schools hosting a writing competition thing. i kinda wanna do it, but i havent written in so long. saying that makes you think of some Grand Writer who took a break, but is now back to write an absolute masterpiece. no. im mid at best lmfao. i can start stories, but writing full length is a struggle for me. i can never write the actual Bulk of a story. some pretty intro, a nice description, and thats it. i cant move the story along. its been like this for Years, actually. i remember writing in maybe the third or fourth grade, and never getting past the first page. when i was younger i also used to write poems. but eventually i got so embarrased at the thought of a future me reading them and cringing, that i just stopped altogether.

a week ago, i asked a close friend to name my top 3 faults. dunno why, i guess it was a spur of the moment thing. maybe i wanted to turn my life around, and thought that would be a good place to start. i dont remember the other two, but i remember 'you worry me sometimes'. im not sure if they said that with their whole heart in it, or maybe they just couldnt Really think of three whole things. well, it kinda stuck? its been a week and im still thinking of it. i just live my life everyday, so im used to all of it, but i guess it does look worrying from an outside perspective. i dont really eat meals, and when i do theyre always meager. the only salad i can eat (tomato + cucumber + sunflower oil + salt) for breakfast, snacks throughout the day, and whatever i can scavenge once i get home for dinner. sometimes not even that, since my cousins are living with us rn. i dont like eating or going downstairs around people i dont know that well - i dont like performing in my own home. i dont sleep much. i dont drink water either. i dont know how im still alive lmfao? oh actually speaking of, two more muscle spasms last night! one in each calf! what the fuck! i googled it and its tellin me 'are normal and quite common' 'sometimes painful' ITS THE WORST PAIN IVE EVER EXPERIENCED EVERY TIME my god. its always when im sleeping - i think its bc i change position while im sleeping and stretchout my legs, causing em to spasm. god. what am i yapping about.

well. i Feel fine. i can smile and laugh and everything. idk. im trying to not be as miserable this winter. i love winter, but i get miserable. trying to keep myself happy through the cold is a challenge ive set for myself. a testament to how much ive grown. look, see, i can keep myself from spiraling! i can stop from distancing myself from everyone around me! i will Not want to kill myself this winter!

im very interested with how this looks from an outsiders perspective. maybe thats what i seek w publishing this on a website - so that people know my thoughts. some of the shit i say on here ive never told anyone. isnt that crazy? i actually tried going to therapy once, back in 2020. it was virtual. the therapist was a very nice woman - i remember showing her some of my art and her complimenting me. she was always complimenting me, i think. she had a cross in the back of every meeting, hung up on her wall. i was a little scared of her bc of that. but im too self aware and too used to how things are to actually change anything. complacent? so i stopped going after around a month. but also im quite young and nothing in my life has really gone wrong. its not really That bad. i think. i hope?

goodnight!

october went by rlly fast? for no reason? halloween was fun, michelle came over and we watched a couple episodes of futureman. when some middle schoolers came to my door, we bantered a little bit. it was rlly funny,, i hope they remember us.

this morning was really strange. i got really anxious and angry for no reason, but then i was too tired to keep feeling anything. happy november i guess? i keep trying to write stuff but it all comes out wrong. hm. maybe later. i think once ill get home ill collapse into my bed with my warm duvet and cat, and ill sleep until 9pm. i have a test tmrw that im woefully unprepared for, but at this point idgaf.

OH i finished mockingjay yesterday. good book! i think i liked this one the best, out of the three. the topics of trauma and healing and hope are quite nice. the thing i dont like abt the hunger games is the love traingle thing. i have Beef. katniss just,, cannot decide between gale and peeta and she keeps giving Both of them mixed signals. it was agonizing to read through all three books with them all dancing around each other like that. god. but then i remember shes only 16 in the first book, and then 17/18 by the end of the third. so ill cut her some slack. apparently theres now a fourth book? maybe ill look into it. i think ill watch the movies first though. i love josh hutcherson.

hello. i just finished mockingjay, the third book in the hunger game series. its almost 2 am. i think stories consume my entire being. i am nothing but stories and plots and characters. ill elaborate later maybe

piracy is in my blood. hold on im gunna remake my blog page

ok it looks mid but its more organized now and i like it this way. almost two steady months of me working on this website. crazy! bonkers! back to the piracy thing.

this is SO me. my god. some of my america friends say they bought a whole streaming service just to watch one show. are you crazy? why? even if you have the money, why would you go thru that hassle? i forget not everyone grew up pirating shit. ive forgotten that its actually illegal. russians fucking LOVE piracy i think. my family has never bought a streaming service except netflix, and we're considering cancelling that one too. my parents just watch american movies dubbed over in russian. and i just grew up w that. what the fuck is a peacock. disney+? wydm when you pay for hulu you STILL get ads.

and its not limited to movies either. i was in the fourth grade googling 'maximum ride book 3 full pdf' in my ela class. actually i vividly remember telling my friends that you could just google any book followed by pdf, and it would just show up. they never seemed as enthusiastic as i did lol

anyways i say this bc i am actually in love w josh hutcherson now. i'm rereading the hunger games books, ive watched the first movie w my friend, we're watching futureman JUST bc josh hutcherson is the main character in it. im going insane. fnaf movie changed me. oh. piracy. i pirate all the content im consuming. also, why does josh hutcherson whimper in every role he has. ive never heard a man whimper more. its crazy. its like they make the roles specifically FOR him dude. the writers write 'ngh' more than 3 times in a characters script and suddenly the casting director knows EXACTLY who to cast. i feel like a 14 yr old girl on tumblr in 2014. someone save me

been listening to zemfira's спасибо album lately. absolute banger.

im feeling better than i did on friday! school was just rough i guess, bc afterwards i felt better. watched the fnaf movie with michelle. shes a huge fan, and i was just there to see josh hutcherson on the big screen. that man is so fine. im going crazy. personally, i liked the fnaf movie! i know some fans didnt like it bc the lore wasnt accurate or wtv but i think the writers knew that. theres like. my god i just googled it THERES TEN GAMES. ten fnaf games. you CANNOT fit all of that into a 2 hr movie. so i think the writers did the best they could to make an entertaining story and cater to fans with easter eggs and stuff. michelle wasnt scared at all but i found it SCARY. i was like gripping the edge of my seat and shit. i think its just bc im autistic and rlly empathize with characters in medias lmfao..

i stayed over at michelles house afterwards and we both knocked out around 10 pm. earliest ive gone to bed in weeks. hrmmm then i went home for a couple hrs, and came back bc michelles parents were hosting a halloween party. i went as draculas gay cousin 'iarchmybackula' (its just me wearing a fancy white button up with a black cloak). speaking of gay and clothes, i asked a couple of my friends and apparently i look Gay as Hell? i dont have a problem w that but its just. i thought i looked normal. yk? but also you take into account my hair and my glasses and the anime pins on my backpack and. ermm. yea.

i read given. it was ok. i dunno. i think its overhyped. i know its BL but it gets rlly fucking annoying when a character is introduced, is present for 3 chapters, after 3 chapters reveals that theyre in love w their best friend, and then after Another 3 chapters they get together. its annoying! this happens like, 3 seperate times! idgaf!!!!!!!! stop it!!!! other than that, i liked the emotional aspect of it, i think. haruki in particular rlly spoke to me. i wish they had focused on ritsuka and mafuyus relationship a lot more. actually, i wish they focused on ANYONES relationship after they get together. maybe im just used to reading a different type of bl, but idk. it was mid.

i wanna redesign my website, i think. i want it to look cleaner. the transparent side thingies and bg and eveyrthing just kinda looks bad + unoriginal. arghhhh. but i dont know what i want to redesign it To............. hhhrraggnnh. the Struggle. well, ill sleep it over. goodnight!

i think its getting worse again. but also its not, bc im stopping myself from spiraling completely. which just means ive grown, right? so maybe its not all that bad. i guess its just the natural pulling apart of friends, but also. its partly my fault and partly theirs, and actually neither of our faults. this is what happens. buts its up to either of us to look at it and see if we want to keep the friendship alive, or to let ir just kinda fade out. its actually not even that serious. i just havent talked to them in a while. we're literally watching the fnaf movie together today. i think i just want my life to be interesting? idk? i just. dramatize things sometimes. make em seem way worse than they really are. and its not like i only say this dramatic stuff to an audience, its in my head constantly. well. whatever. things will sort themselves out i think. ill keep on living anyways, and thats improvement.

ive realized that im actually a pretty social person. which sucks bc im not very good at meeting new people. keeping that in mind, i think i need to figure out how to.. enjoy my own company? find comfort in being alone? sounds sad but i think itll help. i shouldnt expect people to Always be there, same way i cant always there for them.

the ppl i sit next to in science are really nice! we joke sometimes, and compare answers and whatnot. its easy and noncommittal. very cool...

my school is hosting a writing competition. writing of any kind. maybe ill join. the deadline is january something, so i have plenty of time. i used to write poems a lot, but i stopped. i havent written in a while. maybe ill write some gay fanfiction and submit that. haha!

fall this year is really really pretty. i think its bc its been gradually getting colder, and not a sudden drop.

things to write abt later:
- top 3 faults
- vanitas no carte
- given
- our dawn till dusk or whatever that manga was called

today was a really good day. havent had one of those in a while, so this was a good reset.

had a muscle spasm in my leg at like 5 in the morning. i guess i stretched or smth and it happened. this isnt rlly abnormal for me, so i just massaged the muscle and went back to sleep. then i actually wake up @ 6. find out that the spasm actually Hasnt gone away. its like a nagging pain in my left calf. got up, and found that i actually walk w a limp bc of it. my school has three floors, and i have classes on each of em. i figured that ill just make it worse if i go to school, so i didnt. went back to sleep. slept until 12. after sleeping for 6 hrs it felt way better. there was still a pain, but i wasnt completely limping anymore. got up. looked online for any lessons or assignments posted by my teachers. except for science, no one posted anything? lmfao? after that i was done i literally just spent the rest of my time reading on ao3. vanoe man. gay people...

mom wanted to go to hmart, and the kinokuniya was right by it, so i went with her. i love kinokuniya man. when they announced they were gunna start building it, i cheered. i went to the soft launch. and the first day of opening. i am kinokuniya #1 fan. ive spent upwards of 300$ in that goddamn store. i need a fan badge or something. anyways! my goal was to buy a couple vanitas no carte volumes, and maybe the fourth ohshc volume. i like to walk all the merch aisles before going to the manga section. an online friend said that nycs kinokuniya sometimes has enstars stuff, so im really checking for that. i only ever find genshin stuff tho... with bits of blue period, jujustu kaisen, banana fish, and haikyuu scattered here n there. maybe one day. they had some of those rlly cute blind boxes, but they were like. 15$ a piece. which is the same price as a manga volume. i have priorities! maybe if they were a little bit bigger, or if i REALLY liked the design on one of em.

thennn i walked through the artbooks. debated buying the enstars official works vol2 artbook but itwas 75 dollars. jesus. also debated buying sasaki to miyano artbook but it was? art of the anime?? and i didnt really care for that. located vanitas no carte volumes 1 thru 3. started looking for ohshc. entirely by chance, i come face to face w the no.6 omnibus. oh my GOD. i couldnt believe my eyes. istg. i knew that the manga was pretty old, so i didnt have any hopes of buying an actual copy of it. but the vol 1 omnibus was right in front of me. for the low low cost of 25$ per volume i could experience true joy. once i get a lil bit more money ill come back for the second volume. that thang is THICK.. it also has some rlly pretty colored illustrations in the beginning. ehehehehehe.. mm after that i went to the untranslated manga section. realized i wsa standing in front of the BL section. stood there for like 15 min debating. an employee was shelving gundams next to me and i think they were kinda side eyeing me but honestly atp idgaf. truly. i was gunna buy stranger from the shore, but then i changed my mind and got given vol 1 instead. maybe next time.. all in all it cost 75 dollars. eek. my membership card takes a sad 10% off each item, but im grateful for at least that.

then. hmart. nothing exciting rlly. got some daifuku mochi, which is rlly good. a ramune. they played hula hoop by loona in the store, which was nice. thas it. todays mission is to add that marquee to goro shrine, and go to bed before 12. maybe read given online. considering how into bl i am, it might be shocking to some that ive never read it. or banana fish. but ive heard both are like... soul shattering. hmm. maybe ill watch the no.6 anime.

cant find Any time @ home to write lately, so im in the library during lunch. the wifi here sucks ASS...

read case of vanitas yesterday!!!! all 61 chapters. stayed up until 1 am.. augh. that mangas so good. its been on my to read list for like months. def recommend... i love noe. i do NOT like the relationship between jeanne and vanitas. it feels so Weird.. and the mangaka keeps pushing it and im just lowkey ignoring it. bc like. vanitas forced himself on jeanne kinda. Well. not really? but its so dubious that it feels rlly strange. and then theyre in this whole like dance and its confusing and ticks me off. pls.

PERSONALLY. imo! noe and vanitas's relationship is rlly interesting. i love them. yaoi!!!!!!!!! happy yaoi tuesday btw. they make me sick. noe and vanitas. augh. my god. theyre So. i cant articulate this bc im in a school library and i have to leave in like 6 minutes but OHMYGODDDD.. once i get home ill probably add some manga panels + some yapping.

guel shrine has been SCRAPPED and replace by goro akechi. im not as interested in gwitch anymore, but goro akechi will always remain.. slowly working on it. coding is so awful and horrible and convoluted while doing it but i somehow always return to it. i guess it gives a sense of accomplishment, seeing that all your agony has actually resulted in smth presentable. im currently thinking of how to make a marquee fit in there somewhere.

ill update when i get home - listening to milky starry charm by ra*bits.. .

friends birthday!!!! very joyous time. the weather outside was so nice.... warm under the sun, cold in the shade, and a cold wind every now n then. very epic. the birthday went rlly well! i was kinda scared bc i didnt rlly know some of her friends, but it all went fine. one of em was sick, and the other two came late. birthday girl baked the cake herself, n it was. really good. i couldnt eat much of it bc i didnt like the frosting (and i didnt wanna seem like a FIEND by taking off all the frosting). i regret not taking some home... i think she rlly liked my gift. eehhe..

once i got home i got it into my head that i should get on my bike again. amazing idea. im so glad i did. it felt amazing outside + exercise always makes me feel better, even if i usually dont wanna do it. fall is really pretty here,, like. picturesque.

listening to sandy weeds by verteux ..

nothing rlly eventful today. woke up at 2pm. meandered. lounged. my mom made borscht, which was rlly good. prepared my friends birthday gift for tmrw. planned my outfit. shes planned this whole thing. its gunna be a tea party with some kinda of painting? as far as i know, im the only guy there. everyone else is gunna be wearing fancy dresses,,, im thinking of wearing those corduroy pants with a dark brown turtle neck. some kinda necklace, and a rlly nice purse my mom bought as a gift a couple years ago. i dont like presenting fem, so its kinda hard to wear that purse. but i remind myself that having a purse isnt Inherently feminine. just bc i have a purse doesnt mean im feminine. im not sure if ill get along with all of her other friends, but its only four hours, so ill struggle through.

one of my rlly nice online friends made me a rentry, its very epic looking. vv pretty.. ehehe... then heres the carrd i made myself. not as grandious as i used to make em, but i dont rlly mind anymore. maybe right click and open em in a new tab, bc im not sure how theyll look in the iframe. goodnight!

today was fire ... listening to ai catch by goatbed

yesterday was a standardized testing day, which means if u werent taking the test it was virtual learning. i, unfortunately, was taking it. tbh it was pretty easy, and it was only practice. however! we were using a new software this yr and i didnt rlly know what to expect. old software, everyone starts at the same time, and everyone ends at the same time. so if you finish the test early, you wait until everyone around you is done. then everyone moves onto the next section. here, theres an individual timer. it was 35 min or sum, and then you automatically switch to the second section. no announcement, just auto switch. this was explained to me before the test, but i guess it didnt really register? so! i see i have like two min left until my section ends, and just put my head down 2 rest, bc thats what i usually do. i guess i severely underestimated how much sleep i got that day, bc i fucking fell asleep! honk shnoo! snore mimimiing in that mf!!!!!!! a teacher came by and woke me up thank GOD!!!!! i had like. 20 minutes to do 27 questions. idk how i fucked up that bad u guys. reminder in the future: NEVER PUT UT HEAD DOWN DURING A TEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i finished all the wuestions tho. like i balled. and the math section was p easy too so its ok... test ends @ 12, so my mom picked me up n it was all good. she wasnt too happy when i said i fell asleep lol but im not too worried bc its just a practice test + its fully optional this yr. bc i took it this yr, its like a practice test for the practice test.

after the test i had some virtual assignments to do, but i didnt get to finish them bc i Fell Asleep. eek. to be FAIR.. i was doing them while sitting in my bed so mb. i fell asleep at like.. 5pm...

and thennn we had today off! no school! i woke up at 10 which is earlier than usual. still slept like 17 hrs! epic!!!! went downstairs. made myself a steak. which sounds impressive but its this slab of meat they sell at costco that already cooked + seasoned, just gotta put it on da stove. it was p good! big piece. i ate that mf UP.. then i finished up my assignments from yesterday. they were p easy bc my teachers wanted to give us a break. thenn i started getting ready! my friends invited me 2 a dance. got ready, drove to her house, she n her other friend got ready. then we went to this nice plaza to take some photos. spent like.. an hour taking photos... but it was rlly fun! plaza has this shaved ice place, which is honest to god kinda bad. its shaved ice. but like. rlly expensive with a strange look and some fancy plating. ykwim? anyways. went to dance! met up with some of my old friends which was rlly nice. but other than that i literally didnt know anyone... felt vv awkward! so i left early. decided i could be doing Better things than that.. got home. decided to msg this guy ive been talking to???? that feels So weird to say bc ive genuinely never thought abt ME being in love, much less someone ELSE being in love w me. which is fucking crazy btw. anyways i told him the dance was mid, which was rlly just an excuse to talk to him. hm. i sound sappy. idk he told me he wouldve asked me out to the dance if he couldve. and that we should meet up! to which i agreed, n told him abt the game happening like? two weeks from now?? i wouldve done it a week from now but. had plans that day.

im a little worried abt the date being so far away bc.. sometimes if i agree to plans now.. i might not be up to them later. but i always go anyways so itll be fine. i think. perchance. Really fucking worried ermmm. looks around. its been like 9 months or smth since ive seen him in person bc we met at the fencing place i go to and i havent fenced in Months. i try to not concern myself w it too much. even if he doesnt like me, or i end up not liking him, going to a date is fun! but also like. AUUGGGHGGHHGGGGHHHHHGGHHH i dont even know if i like him guys. i feel awful bc like he Probably likes me and im lilke joking back but Boy am i not ready to be in a relationship rn. and i probably wont be for like! years! and i feel BAD bc i feel like im leading him on and its like............. how do i tell him NOW.. hes rlly nice and we have similar interests so id Love to be his friend. but dating? very strange. offputting. gah. forget abt it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

moving on!!!!!!!!! sorry gang. thennnn i got on call w some of my friends and her boyfriend bc he wanted to meet us i guess and OHMY GOD? me n her boyfriend r SO fucking similar its downright EVIL. our faces and hair are already rlly similar. BUT OUR PERSONALITIES? OUR HUMOR? OUR INTERESTS?????? fucking CRAZY. not to mention she met him at the FAIR!!!!! we talked a lot n i got his instagram n yadda yadda. n then he was like give me ur Twitter. and i was like........ no..? bc my twitter. i retweet so much shit u guys. not BAD but its like anime fanart and yaoi jokes and whatever. so im like.... eek. but he gives me his AND ITS LITERALLY THE SAME AS MINE LMFAOOOOO except instead of anime n yaoi shit its rock music and horror movies. which is inherently cooler. whatever!!!! he seems rlly nice. i gave my friend the seal of approval. boyfriend is epic CONFIRMED!

ermmmm now ill probably go to bed. i think this is my longest blog entry in a While bc idk i had a Lot to say. also stuff happened. can i even call this a blog? its rlly more like a diary/journal. hmmm. goodnight!

update: its 4 am lol i sent that guy a small text just saying 'hey! if ur intent w this is a relationship, then i cant rlly do that! mb gang! if it wasnt a relationship, then dw abt it ^__^' ok. ifeel like an asshole for even talking to him at All but i think. if i say this now. itll avoid dmg for him in the future? AUGAGAGGHHH im gunna bash my head into a wall ok goodnight ♡

listening to ai catch by goatbed :)

today was better!!! just lots of good moments, i think. i talked to people more, or tried to?? it was hard to force myself to do it, but i think if i was in the other persons pov, i would much rather someone who sits next to me actually communicate, rather than just sit there and kinda eavesdrop. ahaa.... i used to draw a lot in my science class, but some girls moved seats, so *i* moved seats and kinda shuffled one down. but now im not on the edge anymore.. which means, if i want to draw, i cant just cover it with my elbow n draw w the other hand. eauaugghh. id just built up confidence to draw in class in the first place. eek. plus, im sandwhiched between a girl who i look up to in terms of general social Aura, and a guy i was in classes with last yr. i cant do this!!!!!!!! eeuagghhghhh.. talking to people is sohard. i mean. i talked to em! i got like at least 5 sentances out. so like.. i did it.. but now i have to do it everyday.......... terrifying.

i dont think ive mentioned this on here before, but the main reason i got into neocities was bc carrd was pissing me off. all the features behind a paywall.. crazy. i used to make diff ones everytime i got a new interest. carrd kinda sucks! however.. granted i still use social media, i still want a lil thing that represents me more than just a bio. so ill be working on that.. i dont wanna link this website to any of my social media pages, just bc of like. idk? this feels way more real than whatevers going on over there. and i dont rlly want them to mix.

also i loveee makin those glittery anime gifs. that aoba one? I MADE THAT MF!!! im weirdly proud of the ones i make

cleos sleeping by my feet, music sounds good again, and i think tmrw will be better. goodnight everynyan!

listening to trigun the first donuts album

today was okay. i kinda zoned out? idk??? it was fine while i was in school but once i was on the bus home. 2 hrs of just sitting. kinda grates on you aha? i actually wrote what i wanted to write abt in my notes app, so here it is:

smth is Shifting. i dont know if its just bc im feeling worse, but my mindset and perspective on things is changing drastically, and its throwing me off. and everything around me is changing too!!!! my friend showed me the songs their band was gunna play, and i almost started crying. i quit band this yr, just bc i knew the academics would be tough to juggle w band. i was right, but i still rlly miss it. i actually didnt realize how much i did miss it until that moment. my poor alto sax.. maybe ill pick it up again over the weekend.

also, on the topic of getting worse. my mental state is getting worse but like? its not a constant worse. its just random snippets in the day where i feel like absolute Ass. but i think im getting better at managing them. im trying to not let it affect my relationships. just bc i feel bad in One Moment doesnt mean i should cancel all plans for the forseeable future, ykwim? + a big part of feeling worse is probably my insecurity. i Neeeed to work on that somehow idek bc it just keeps getting in the way. its annoying!!!

but! today was also good! after that bus ride my mood kinda picked back up. actually, my dad did smth rlly sweet. ive been building gundams lately, and he'd actually ordered one for me.. it was actually a gundam action figure, not model kit, but i love it all the same. its quite impressive! was way heavier than i expected it to be.. and it stands by itself!! huggeee range of mobility. its not a model kit, which means i dont have to be scared to move the parts around. its a great drawing ref :)

oh!! the weathers been rlly strange lately. for the past two days, when i wake up @ 6 am its absolutely clear skies. then, for the duration of the day, the sky will be covered with these Ominous ass clouds. they're dark n thick n cover the entire sky. but it never rains! and then when night falls, the skies clear again. not a single cloud. bc its so clear, i actually saw jupiter yesterday!!!!! and the big dipper! i wouldve seen uranus too, but a house was kinda covering it. maybe ill start going for walks..

tried to draw a little, but didnt rlly work out. ill jus draw again tmrw idk. todays morning walk to the bus stop was rlly nice. its so cold out now.. goodnight!

today was quite nice! listening to 'last dinosaur' by the pillows. fire song.

im blinking very slowly like a cat. but in a frog way. everything is happening too quick at once. nothing is happening. my days are very calm and mundane. theres too much happening and its overwhelming. ?? i cant even be poetic or put this into Good words its just DIFFICULT. i guess imjust living??? this is what life is. the learning and the struggle and the changing outlooks. i feel like making statements and then elaborating as i go:

my new glasses help me lots, but they rlly make me feel like im outside of whatever im experiencing. like im outside looking in. it kinda feels like im being dramatic. i dunno - im not gunna overanalyze it too much

its finally cold.. changed my bedding to my nice duvet set. my god. shit is So comfortable i love that thing. its from ikea and i swear its the best thing ever invented. its a simple white, with some red flowers in the corner. it puffs up so nice... its so warm... paired with cleo (my cat) at my feet + ikea shark + guel jeturk plush. my god. i cant even explain how nice. its so nice that i overslept by 2hours this morning HAHA. i usually wake up at 6.. with my classes starting at 9. i woke up at 8. TT... my mom offered to drive bc its close enough by car (around 35 min?) but i take the bus. which takes like an hr n a half. rahhh... crazy how big of a difference there is between 6 n 8 hours of sleep.

math quiz + world history test today ^^ to say i was stressed was an understatement. i thought math would be easy enough. i was WRONG i bombed that shit. a 63!!!!!!! i got so confused... theres way too many numbers and terms that i get tangled up in em. im good w algebra stuff - when it all equals out nicely. this? is stupid. i cannot. i forgot what i was even doing halfway thru. shes posting the answer key tmrw afternoon so we'll see. as for the world history test - i think it was ok. it seemed easy enough.
the funny thing is, between my math and history class, two rlly good grades came in. 94 on a science quiz rhat everyone else failed, and a 100 on a history quiz. crazy! a sign from god? my guardian angel? dunno!

happy yaoi tuesday. ive been readinf alot o BL lately. which feels weird to say bc i feel? cringe? i feel like im gunna get bullied immediately? as if theres some guy out there w missiles trained to detect the address of anyone who says the word yaoi and bomb em? i need to just do whatever i like ffs. well - my favs so far have been stranger from the shore (rlly cute artstyle!!!!! love it so much) and sasaki and miyano .. YES both of these are rlly popular titles!!! idgaf! theyre good! if u look at my anilist you can see everything ive read so far. OH no.6 was rlly good too! the BL wasnt like the MAIN MAIN focus, it had a whole scifi plot other than that. had some p good points! my only beef is that it rlly didnt elaborate on its ideas. lots of things were kinda just There.. no explanation. anyways i love yaoi. i mostly read the cute highschool friends to lovers fluff as a way 2 relax after a day. it gets SO repetitive tho. those three i mentioned were FIRE everything i read after that didnt rlly live up. yk? oh well. i will keep searching!
i also watched the stranger from the shore movie. it was FIRE i loved it. the studio did a p good job of staying true to the mangas artstyle, and they kept most of the plot! some gorgeous art + music too.

uhhhmemmmmm . yea i think thats it. OH my art has been ASS lately. my god. i cant dothis anymore!1!!!!!! i think its bc i read so much manga - iveseen so many good artists that i now expect my art to look good , or i guess im more critical of my own bc ive seen an example of what good art looks like -> i do art -> iget discouraged bc it looks kinda mid -> dont draw -> dont get better. see my problem? vashti mentioned that u dont need motivation to do things, n im trying to keep that in mind. keep drawing until it DOES look good. even if i dont have 'motivation' hm. ill go try n do that now. goodnight!

oh! and all the graphics on this blog are from stranger from the shore :3 so if those look interesting, check it out!

im ALIVe this week has been incredibly stressful bc of school, but i survived! after like 4 days of being gone im scared ive forgotten how to code but i guess ill remember as i go. ive rlly missed working on this site!! ill just write whatevers happened:

struggled a workload i was NOT prepared for coming back from break. my ela teacher is really nice, but istg she wants to kill me. shes a rlly harsh grader too... and takes a while to grade assignments.. so not only are you scared to recieve your grade, youre scared for like THREE WEEKS. and atp you forget abt it, so it completely jumpscares you. god. i missed both of my ela classes last week, and we have a project due on wednesday i think? thank GOD for my partner dude. she may be the nicest person ive ever met. she did most of the research over break, so all thats left is to just explain it and put it into slideshow form. i love her.
bc i missed both days, i had to come in in the morning to take my test. got that mf done SO quick. 56 questions in 55 minutes baby. However. i thought the last quiz was rlly easy and got a SEVENTY FIVE. and my friend got a 55. so. im really fucking scared TT........... its so embarassing bc i went into her room when i was done and she was like 'youre done already??' and i was like yea. istg if i gett below an 80 on that test ITS SO SO OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

one of the reasons i missed my ela class, was bc i went 2 da eye doctor! i have -0.5 inmy left eye, and then my right eye is normal. i know its not much of a prescription, but i still got glasses. gottem w blue light too. they help So Much dude.... i thought i had SUCH good vision until these mfs. when i got em i just kept takin em off n on... crazy shit. i guess i didnt realize bc i sit in the front for most of my classes. theyre pretty cute too! theyre like a clearish thin frame, and made of rlly light metal.

the OTHER reason i missed em was bc i was at this programs training. teachers can select students to participate in this lil program that advocates for mental health and suicide awareness around the school. id done it last yr, so i assumed they put me in just bc of that, BUT NO???? one ofmy teachers ACTUALLY PICKED ME?!?!?! i literally never stand out in class bc im pretty quiet + just do my work so to have a teacher notice that. my god. almost cried fr. anyways! i was skeptical abt doing it this yr bc i didnt rlly like it last yr, but i basically just thought 'ehhh i can always leave, right?'. it actually went rlly well!!! i got along w everyone, and thats almost 32 people. a lot of them r like minded.

some highlights:

- mentioned building gundams and heard MULTIPLE people ohh + nod in acknowledgement
- got closer w a guy who'd complimented my marill plush at the start o the yr
- a girl mentioned going to concerts, so i went up 2 her (LIL OLE ME. WENT UP TO SOMEONE I DIDNT KNOW TO ASK A QUESTION... CRAZY) and asked what artists she saw. apparently she went to txts and enhypens concerts!!! i used to be a hardcore stan o txt, so it was rlly nice to bond w her :3
- made friends w the girl that sat next to me, just had some rlly chill interactions throughout
- this one girl was just crazy good at speaking like literally everytime she spoke i was in awe. she projected her voice rlly well and was crazy good at explaining her points. had amazing points. i went up to her after the training ended and was like 'hii sorry ifthis is out o the blue but youre just rlly well spoken!!' idk where i got the confidence. she fist bumped me >w<

hmmm other than that - i went to the library today bc i hadnt been in a while. stumbled into the language section and somehow got it into my head that i should pick up japanese again. OH to cope w school ive been reading a lot of manga on the bus lately. i guess thats where that came from, since i was kinda frustrated that scanlation groups tend to pick up series and then just Not finish translating em. sighhhss... ive never fully stuck w learning a language, but maybe this time'll be different. hopefully! all depends on me ^^;

hi high by loona is a FIRE song btw

final day of break. raggghhhg. school tmrw. smth that always happens after breaks is that i literally forget how to be in such a public space. school esp is rlly stressful on those first days back, bc i need to adjust to the amt of People and Noise.. hopefully i wont be as out of it as i usually am. my first class is w a close friend, so im hoping her presence grounds me a little bit

i can literally feel my vision getting worse, so i scheduled an eye appt on tuesday. however, this means that im gunna miss BOTH my ela classes.. we have a rotating schedule, with 4 periods that are an hr and a half each. im gunna talk to the teacher tmrw, but honestly that class is the hardest in terms of course work so i have no clue what im gunna do. plus, im p sure we have a project getting assigned this week, with it being due on friday? whateva these are tmrw nox problems....

hoping for cool weather tmrw. can bust out the zemfira albums finally! goodnight

well. break over and i didnt do too much. i guess thats what im supposed to do, so im not too worried abt it. ive lamented on here before abt my lack of creative skills and. im lamenting again. misery. i know its something thats supposed to be trained and developed, but i still find myself wishing i could just DO it. i keep having rlly vague ideas of what i want my website to look like, but bc theyre so vague, i cant even teach myself the skills necessary to make it happen! argh!!!!!

dont have too much to write abt, so im just gunna go to sleep. goodnight everynyan! fly in the freedom is a really good song.

been doing a whole lot of nothing!!!! i dont have school this week so i guess its expected, but the weeks almost over and i havent .. done.. Anythin.. ill probably wake up early tmrw, if only to force myself to find something to do. maybe ill find motivation to work on guel shrine.... graphic design is my nightmare. its rlly daunting... its worse that i generally have an eye for what looks good vs what doesnt, n as a result im harsher on whatever i make. i think i should just Do it instead of moping around. grah,

yk that dmmd playlist i mentioned a couple blogs back? the songs on there are from an album called "-shape.memory.music-", and i havent listened to a single song other than that in THREE DAYS. ive had that damn album on LOOP for at least 14 hours!!!!!!!! idk WHAT they put in that album but its addicting.. actually, i really like dmmds aesthetics in general. maybe just bc it was made in 2013? the art n layout n sound design go crazy.

im grasping for topics to write abt when what i RLLy should be doing is going to bed. goodnight!

very sleepy writing this. its 4 am. today was package day... not on purpose, all by coincidence. day of joy if u will. my guel haul came! shipping from warehouse was insanely fast i couldnt even comprehend it. i love the plushies they are my lifeline now.. ill get some cute clothes for em eventually. oh and whenever i go somewhere interesting, they'll come with :) ill post pics of that when it happens.

guels dilanza also came. its on my desk as a lil thing to look at whenever im feeling uninspired... it was wayyy easier to assemble than the wing gundam. it only had like 4 plates, and only took me a couple hours. it was also built from the head down, which i thought was interesting. the instructions also included english.. maybe its bc this is a rlly recent kit? dunno.


other than packages, did a whole lot of nothing today! mostly just slept. my mom made this rlly good thing tho.. its a small square of seaweed, rice piled on top, and then cooked salmon. goes INCREDIBLY hard. i ate those things UP!!!! i played some dmmd, but halfway thru the emulator i was using updated, and then the backgrounds just? stopped working lmfao? whats funny is the parts that were glitching before (like menu or save screen) were working perfectly now, but the backgrounds were just. pixel. like they were there! just extremely pixelated. i thought it was funny and kept playing. ( ahem. but not before cursing out the emulator and struggling to find a fix for 45 minutes! i am not bitter!)

today was a pretty slow day. i have a week break from school so im making the most of it by sleeping insane hours! woke up at 4 pm today. extremely blissful. getting 6 hrs of sleep every week day just to sleep 18 hrs on the weekends is so worth it. i have so much sleep debt that i think even sleeping for half a year straight wouldnt fix it. i wish i was joking.

like i said, today was pretty slow. woke up, laid in bed for a while, went to pilates, went to russian store + cvs, came home. now im here! my fromjapan order shipped from the warehouse today, so thats epic. AND! my dilanza gundam is supposed to arrive tmrw. very excited. the gundam building blog should be up soon. maybe. im thinking of making it like a separate page, bc its not rlly in the vibe of these blogs here. its more centered around a theme i guess? maybe itd be more accurate to call this a diary. hm. hmm!

i usually buy rye bread crisps from the russian store, and everytime i go i try to buy a new flavor. call it my One Courageous Act. last week was bacon flavored, which was REALLy good. this week was crab. im gunna be honest, i had high hopes! the bacon had kinda a smoky salty flavor, and i was hoping for the same thing here. unfortunately, these crab ryes are. strangely sweet? theyre not bad... edible, as a bare minimum. their flavor is just Perplexing. i cant tell if it actually tastes like crab. trying to figure out as i type this. they taste more like butter than anything crab. maybe its just oil??? im readin the back n its. its more sunflower oil than ANY 'crab' flavorin. the more i eat, the more i get used to em. guh. will not be buying again!

thats it for now! ill probably post that gundam blog and then come back if i think of anything. for now, goodnight!

tl:dr ; paid for proxy order shipping, strange tangent on media/humanity? , thank u monsieurdoll for dmmd, thank u maggotgirl + vashti for iframe code

haiii! i missed writing a blog yesterday, but thats bc i was rlly tired + there wasnt that much to write abt... ive been talking abt that gundam im building for the past couple blogs n now its finally done! ill post it once i get all the info + pictures in order :) i rlly like it! the only problem is that i didnt buy a stand for it, bc apparently those dont come in the box lmfao? so its balancing on its back wings..

my fromjapan order arrived to the warehouse!! and i paid for its shipping!! the shipping was 37 USD, and thats bc i got fedex intl. *priority* bc i was tired of worrying over it.. the cheaper (and still decent) shipping options were around 25-30 USD, which was way lower than i expected. it should leave the warehouse the 26th. the official fedex site says that fedex intl priority shipments arrive in ONE TO THREE DAYS!?!?!?! which is insane. i expect the order to come a lil later than that obviously lol but hopefully before the end of this month or the first week of the next... very very excited! for anyone who wants ask questions abt how the process went, my email is on the left there ^__^ but basically you purchase your item, pay for the item itself and any domestic shipping (which is from the og seller to the warehouse). this is called your charge 1 fee. once your item arrives to the warehouse, you select and pay for shipping, ( & - if i remember correctly - pay a small handling fee? i think its around 500 yen). those would be your 2nd charge. thats abt how far ive gotten. will update with a blog once it arrives!

a general theme in my blogs is me jumping from topic to topic, and thats gunna happen again. i really really love the internet. media. i love media so much. music + art + games + writings + shows + literally anythingyou can think of. i love the forms media can take on and how it can connect so many people.. since ive started using neocities more often ive realized how EVERYTHING i consume is made by real living people. i think social media rlly distances the user from an og creator, whether thats intentional or not, and thats annoying 2 me!!!! literally Everything you use has been thought up and created by a person!!!! everything!!!! its just crazy to me how. human. everything is. does that make sense? i guess some people might see it as a bad thing bc its like. ughh man-made thing number #19747 :(. but like. everything you use has Thought put into it.. at least some.. everything is touched by humanity... and then this circles back into the media thing bc. there r so many people out there that media connects. i genuinely think fandoms r a beautiful thing. fan creations are awesome. website shrines, fanart, fanfiction, cosplays, anything else im forgetting to mention r so cool. the joy of sharing joy or whatever...... people always say 'you cant talk abt fandoms w/o mentioning the Bad Parts' however! i dont care!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! bad parts dont exist to me!! someones being annoying online? blocked! see smth you dont wanna see? blocked! refresh the app! or delete it all together! yea this doesnt solve the problem, but i think people online get it into their heads that by arguing w the Bad Person online they can somehow change them?? you cant! that person is Probably not just gunna change bc you ratio'd them!
i dont know where this tangent is going. gah. MEDIA. back to media. i love media. erm. so i guess by extension i love humanity? edit: this says it way better.

shout out to monsieurdoll for telling me how to play dmmd! i'd been kinda eyeing it since i'd see their site, and recently i've been listening to the dmmd bgm on loop, this playlist specifically. it goes crazy hard. not too far into the game yet, but maybe ill write a couple blog posts on that too. fav songs are probably Feel your Noise by Kimura Seiji, Sandy Weeds by VERTUEUX, Masculine Devil by GOATBED... actually all the songs on that playlist are really good. check it out if you have the time! esp if you like? electro rock..? music? i have no clue how to define music.

guel shrine is slowly but surely chugging along. ive got the iframes working, (thanks to maggotgirl2002!!! thank you so much for the code, and for vashti for forwading it to me :) you guys r epic.) and hopefully i can start working on the graphic design portion of it. however, iam not creative. which means im just gunna need to brute force thru it until SOMETHING looks good. goodnight!

8:30 am;
i usually write blog posts in the evening right b4 going to bed, but bc last nights was so short i feel like i should write one rn . . ive had tests/quizzes in every class for like the past two days. and now that its Over, i constantly feel like im forgetting something. ive tripled checked all my classes schedules and everything, but i cant shake off the feeling that theres some type of assignment im forgetting. gah. hopefully its just my anxiety ^^;

my hanako plush came in yesterday! hes very stupid looking and perfect :) hes also? really soft???? really nice to Squish. i love him dearly also, one of the three orders from the proxy has arrived at the warehouse! now we wait for the other two, and then see how much shipping costs...

4:00 pm;

there were no quizzes/tests!! it rlly was just my anxiety, thankfully. i got some good doodles in during science! guels dilanza and a new lil oc im cooking up + me in ms paint :3

hello everynyan.. writing this wuickly bc im abt to fall asleep. i bought a gundam today! ive made model kits b4 but never something on this scale. ive got around 1/3 done. ive been takin pics to share my process, but ill make the post tmrw.. ive also started messing around w iframes. saw em mentioned and thought 'wait didnt iwanna do that like 2 weeks ago. didnt i give up. why dont i start that up again' and now im learning.. struggling..

ive realized thati actually really do enjoy coding. which is weird bc ive tried it before, and it didnt rlly click. maybe nowthat i have a site its more? personal? more motivated? hm. goodnight!

my days have been very monotonous lately. im not particularly happy or dissapointed abt that, just kinda recognizing it as my reality rn. im also not getting enough sleep, which is.. a problem. i usually get around 6 hrs on weekdays, an extra 4 if i take a nap after school. then, on weekends, i sleep around 18 hrs to make up for it. which doesnt leave me with much time to go out n do stuff... logically the way to fix this is to just go to bed earlier to get more than 6 hrs, but i just Dont get sleepy until around 12. a curse... im just hoping i subconsciously fix it. someday. somehow

im trying to figure out what i want to do for my guel shrine. i want it to be a different layout than this site, but im not really creative enough to think up something. and i cant do anything too complex, bc im not that good at coding yet either. hmm. ill think on it more in the morning. goodnight! (bonus: little mspaint doodle i did of guel. maybe ill post more of my art...)

p uneventful day.. struggled thru school. afterwards went to pilates.. came home and wanted to try to attempt guitar again. picked it up. thought, 'hey, dont these things get out of tune after a while?'. go to find tuner. tuner is DEAD. find other tuner. extremely confusing interface. ok. its ok. i have a tuning app on my phone that i used for alto sax (this is important remember this for later) pull up the app. start tuning. tune! yayyy! its tuned! put on capo. start playin a lil. hmmmm... sounds strange? play a lil more. yea def sounds strange. look at tuning app. i tuned it to alto sax instead of guitar fml. but its ok we can fix this. change settings to guitar. retune. still sounds weird... maybe its the app? google 'free guitar tuner'. click first link. oh hey guitar tuner! cool! attempt to tune my guitar from an A to an E. atp im thinking... 'i dont think itll go that far...' i am correct. almost to the E, string snaps in half. T_T

at least it didnt hit me! im,,, gunna go get it fixed tmrw,,,,,, i think. i literally just wanted to revisit a song i used to be able to play bruh. this is why i stick to coding. honestly when it broke my first instinct was to just start sobbing and being all miserable but im trying to be BETTER yk. so i kinda started laughing n making jokes to myself abt it? which did make me feel better. i have to remind myself sometimes that whatever mistakes i make are not going to define me as a person, and that you can always recover from them... gah.

hmm.. other than that... my shitty shuake tapestry came in! i ordered it off of amazon like a week ago for like. 8 dollars. its amazing and im gunna hang it above my bed ... once i get access to a ladder. i havent rlly talked abt my p5 interest here yet. i actually started liking persona 5 around? 2 yrs ago now? i love that game sm. i wish i could say that everything abt that game is amazing, but that sadly isnt the truth. the writing is ASS at times, but it does have its good moments!! ill probably make a shrine for it soon and talk there, but basically; i love goro akechi. my son. he has done nothing wrong in his life Ever (← lying) anyways. goodnight!

hello! today i went to japanfest 2023 ^__^ it was rlly fun! i watched a couple shows, and spent . a lot of money.. but its ok bc its a little treat!! i got a jojo umbrella, kaito figure, and a makoto yuuki shikishi board! and now im spending the night at my friends house (shout out 2 michelle)

my goal for this japanfest was to buy one of guels gundam kits. either the dilanza or the darilbalde... however. every single fucking gundam vendor i went to had EVERY SINGLE GUNDAM KIT. EXCEPT FOR ANY OF GUELS. like r u srs...? how r u gunna have such MINOR character's gundams but not GUELS??? hes like the main side character... gah. so i ordered dilanza online... should be coming in like a week. speaking of orders! i also made my first major order from a proxy!!!! i ordered a couple guel acrylic stands, keychains, and two plushies!! hopefully they make it safe to the warehouse.. and hopefully the shipping from the warehouse to my house isnt TOO much ^^;

ok now here r the SPOILS from japanfest. cant take a pic of the umbrella bc its at home but its p epic trust


annddd heres my shelf w them!

you can right click to open the img in a new tab if u wanna see it up close :3

my friend also got a sonico figure! for only 45$ shes huge..

nnnn thats it! im probably gunna work on a guel shrine . at some point. erm . goodnight!

i finished. gwitch yesterday. my god.... i think im changed as a person now tbh. shit went DOWN in s2 . guel my love u r so strong. the writers just hate him so bad.. everytime i think hes gunna catch a break they throw some shit at him again. hes fr one of the best redemptions i think ive ever seen in a show.. first half of s1 had me booing at the screen but then. he got better.. idk i rlly think that his 'rebirth' so to speak was just rlly well written. he went from an incredibly proud and arrogant character who never knew struggle to someone whos constantly struggling and still looking forward + trying to improve + trying to make up for his sins. augh. the sins thing.......... i know some ppl are mad that guel didnt tell lauda, his brother, that he had been the one to kill their dad, but i feel like it was better this way? guels whole thing was that he was gunna stop relying on others to provide for him, and deal w things himself. and thats good for him! but the whole thing w lauda is meant to show how even tho u may try to shoulder the burden on your sins all by urself, theyre still gunna reach others at some point + that you shouldnt forsake the bonds u have left...

i also liked how brightly suletta shined in the other characters eyes, but how she still had such low self esteem up until halfway thru s2 (if i remember correctly..) ,, OH and how the deaths of characters were REALLy impactful. noreas especially,,, her n elan just moments away from leaving,, norea getting shot,, aruhg. hurt so so bad,,,,,, cant believe i forgot to talk abt guels haircut. imo. ermmm... its ok! im glad hes taking back control of his life, but sadly i did like the long hair. everytime a man cuts his hair an angel loses its wings....

hmm. thinking of making a guel shrine,, some sorta database w all official content that relates to him. actually, while looking at all his official merch n stuffs, i found some p good deals on jp mercari. the only issue is that buyee n fromjapan are TERRIFYING to use for the first time. the fact that idek the international shipping cost until after its at the warehouse? terrifying. the fact that i gotta email em and beg them to consolidate and downsize my package to try to lessen said international shipping costs? terrifying. idk how u guys do it. plus its like. what if i break some weird unspoken rule that idk abt .. what if the og seller refuses to ship bc of that.hm. AUGH ik im just stressing too much and like. im should b fine,,, but. yk. not losing money would b a favorable outcome indeed! currently trying 2 hype myself up to buy that plush on the left. maybe tmrw,,, goodnight!

haii!! i started watching witch from mercury a little less than 3 days ago. ive alr finished season 1. oh my GOD i cant even put into words how much i love this show rn..... season 1 was honest to god just setting up for season 2. i love guel jeturk with all my heart.... im on ep 3 of season2 so far and irs. oh . my god....!?!?! most of the characters ARE morally grey .. at first i found it a little annoying bc like. who am i supposed to root for if they're all just a little bit annoying? and then i realized. guel jeturk. obviously .. the battles are really nice to watch too. i know in my heart that suletta mercury will (so far) always win the duels but... the show makes it VERY stressful to say the least lmfao. and sometimes i dont even WANT suletta to win..

i literally started this show on a whim bc i had seen a model kit for suletta in the same hobby store where i bought the rin desktop singer. i was intrigued bc she looked rlly cute, and i actually debated buying her for a minute ..

ermmm im not the best at writing blogs bc im just not very well spoken but. witch from mercury is a rlly good show.. the battles are amazing to watch, and the writing of the characters is stunning. all the characters feel very true to life, they all have faults and dreams and strengths. in addition, the diversity of character designs in this show is insane as well. its so refreshing to actually see characters have different skin tones, body types, hair styles, etc instead of just the cookiecutter anime boy + girl. i am a big fan!!!! the show also LOVES to just suddenly throw stuff at u.. i wont spoil but. my god. those last 5 min of season 1? i went bonkers ..

ill update as i watch more, so stay tuned for that ^^ ,, i have spanish + ela + science quizzes tmrw. pray for me... goodnight!

hiiii!! im back from my familys tri (?) annual camping trip.. was pretty crazy! had a lot of fun, even tho it was alot more calm than it usually is. i rlly enjoy the site where we camp, bc it usually overlooks the lake. sometimes theres paths down to the lake, and this time there was a little path alllll the way around the islet where we were. me n my friend took some FIRE pictures. to answer the last blog; no, nature did not inspire some coding/graphic design genius in my brain to wake up. what a shame...

my school has this thing where we have to dress like we're attending a job interview for the day, and we get graded on it... as a test grade.. bc its so important, my mom n i went clothes shopping @ the mall today!! i bought a pretty snazzy suit, a tie, and then as a little treat for myself, a desktop singer!!!!!! ive been searching for one of these things to buy for like a YEAR. seeing it in my local malls hobby shop was a token of some good luck for sure.. despite wanting it for like a yr, ive never really? looked into these things too hard except the figures themselves? so i was a little surprised when the lady who was helping me mentioned they were random...

before i get into the desktop singer kit, i wannna mention a couple other things i saw in stock. i saw a 1/64 goodsmile racing miku car, in the wild!!! (specifically this 2022 ver i think) it was 154$ . can u believe. oh mt god.... a tiny little thing.... size of a hotwheels car! hundred fifty four dollars!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and then there was the makoto yuki figma.. he was 96 dollars. gosh.. both of these were behind a glass case so i had to ask the employee to get em out, see the price, actually hold them in my hands. i actually have the honor of owning a figma (joker persona 5 >:3), and hes a little ugly but its ok. i also have a sailor mercury figma... i love what people do w figmas, but the issue is i lack creativity.. both of these i have posed probably twice, and they fufill the role of a figure, not a figma. but im getting off track.

the desktop singer kit!!!!!!! i got rin! the lady helping me actually asked who i was hoping for and i said miku or rin, to which she responded that i was in luck bc they were holding the luka for someone else, so id automatically get one i wanted! i had wanted to document every step i took of making her to post on here, but i was on call w friends, n got a lil side tracked. ok.

first of all, the box art for this is STUNNING. just look at them!!!!!!

AUGGGGHHH theyre so pretty. augh. i dont have any steps of me actually making her accesories. which may be good bc those things were a PAIN to make. all the pieces are incredibly tiny and i misread the directions like 4 times. heres a REALLY bad photo of the base rin that all the accesories would be added to-

free her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

andddd heres her finished!

shes ADORABLE i absolutely adore her. i might bring her 2 school to show off... a lil scared of damage but its ok. we ball

this is my first time writing a blog post thats a little on the longer side... i think thats obvious lol. i have a tendency to ramble soooo.. this blog may be hard to follow. but! i hope you enjoyed reading. baii ^__^

its been like a week since the last blog ... hi guys. got a 90 on my math test and genuinely cheered. was SO joyous .. ap world however. will be the death of me
its crazy bc last yr i wasnt a . loner persay? but i kept to my own circle and talking to new ppl was Really stressful for me . and NOW? i have like 15 new ppl ive met and who i can actually talk to ... the people in my law class especially are really nice?!?! this girl came up to me and wanted to ask abt my persona 5 hoodie and i almost cried right then n there lmfao ^^; my teacher is also very silly.
ALSO!! i started playing ace attorney!! love it so far. im on the third case, and i rlly love maya and phoenix's dynamic... their dialogue is v silly n goofy . PLUS technically its studying!!!!!!!!!!
other than rhat... i wanna update this site layout a little but im not really sure what to add? rhe layout feels very Bare to me. maybe a couple graphics? idk... augh. well. im going camping this weekend. maybe nature will inspire me lmfao .