still feeling off. today was a good day though - hung out with my mom for the most part. we went to a ramen place that was really nice, and then some shopping for clothes. i got some jorts, three shirts, and a hoodie. major w. one of the shirts is a cowboy design with orange motifs which is perfect for me. been wanting more orange in my life lately. why is it so hard to find Anything in orange? an injustice, truly. theres no orange anime boys either (lying

somehow most my favs have been blue thus far. tsumugi aoba i love you but youre BLUE!!!! ive been squinting at 2wink for a while bc theyre adorable. also theyhave orange hair. [shaking] i love this hinata card on the right lots ...i love you yosuke hanamura youre perfect for me but youre not an idol game boy sadly... which means very little merch.. also ur game came out 16 years ago so merch is gunna be Freaky expensive. actually, theres barely any merch of yosuke, even in comparison with the rest of the p4 cast. guh..... if everything in my life doesnt become orange rn im going to light myself on fire

wow. ive gotten really bad at updating this site havent i. eek... feeling stumped and empty. creative rut? havent had a genuine interest to fixate on in approx.. 2 months? the Drought (TM) is upon us. argh. its awful. ive been engaging in medias in hopes that my stupid rat brain will grasp onto one of them and never let go. hasnt happened!!!! i wish i could force myself to like something.. not really, but itd make things easier. ive realized that lately. ive never really forced myself to like something. im pretty headstrong and stubborn. and i dont pretend to like things that i actually dont for the sake of popularity or to fit a certain aesthetic. i think ive been ignoring parts of my personality for too long. need 2 confront my true self (JUST LIKE PERSONA!!!!!!)

this was kinda spurred by a conversation i had with my mom a couple months ago. i was lamenting about the fact that sometimes i stop reading books halfway through. and then when i pick it back up, i start from the beginning, but i remember too much and it gets boring. but i cant just skip to the part where i left off because then id be missing details. and so the cycle repeats. and my mom said "yea, thats because youre a perfectionist. you gotta be ok with skipping a couple details" (paraphrasing). i kinda stood there in shock for a couple seconds. the gears started turning. connections were being made. i AM a perfectionist. jesus. id somehow never realized it before. [looks back at the entirety of my life] wow..... god..... i AM a perfectionist... how did i not realize it... kinda crazy..

being in the Drought (TM) means that music sounds boring to me too. sighh. which means im listening to completely different genres and styles everyday. again, in hopes that my rat brain will stick to something and like it. typing this, im realizing this is probably because ive been on my phone too much and my brain is trying to save me from information overload. guh. well. gotta stay off my phone then.. ez win. goodnight.

i really should be studying for the science test i have tmrw, but i cannot. my eye are already closing as is. the material isnt That hard, so i should be fine... i hope?

more recent events: i scraped my knee and ripped my fav pair of jeans. :( my cat got outside and when i lunged down to grab her i got into a sort of? crouch? and in the process dragged my knee across the concrete. ripped the jeans. sigh... decent sized gash on my knee, but im more sad about the jeans. fav pair! and i bought them in SWEDEN too!!!! aarrgghh.. they dont even have the style name on them. just the size. im gunna try to handsew the rip, since it isnt TOO big. if that doesnt look good im going to turn them into Jorts! been needing some jorts. gah.

funnily enough, (wow funnily does Not look like a word rn) i had a really good day. im dont even feel that bad about the jeans, just moderately bummed out. had a test that was pretty easy, talked w friends, ate good rice from home for lunch. went outside for lunch too. very nice outside. feels like summer. last period was a really fun class. helps that the class is small and the teacher is chill. listened to good music on the bus ride home..... very very joyous today. my keys are full of keychains from japan, and i was admiring them as i walked. i want to live and i want to do so much. gahhh.....

also, shout out to dunmeshi for finally motivating me to eat Good food. to make good food. i made shrimp scampi (?) on friday, amazing. actually it wasnt scampi. it was just butter, garlic, salt, lemon zest, n shrimp in a pan. so fucking good though. then i had it w potato n tomato... very good. ive been having filling breakfasts lately too - buckwheat, egg, cucumber, yogurt... gunna prepare myself a lunch for tmrw. i dont usually eat lunch at school, because packing a lunch feels awkward, and eating it is even worse. i feel unhuman when i eat @ school. some kind of self conscious thing. well. (inner senshi voice) certainly not an excuse to starve myself and deprive me of nutrients. how will i focus and perform well if im not even fed? [shakes head disapprovingly].. anyways. i bought this lunch container in japan, and i think ill make onigiri to eat tmrw. ehehe....

does anyone remember when i was searching for a messenger bag?? WELL!!! i forgot to mention this but i found the perfect one in japan. amazing. i fought with myself in the store for 20 minutes on whether to get it or not. ofc i bought it in the end... I DONT REGRET IT AT ALL WAHAHAH!!!!! ill take a picture later, but its this green one. i love it so much. i have a souma pin + kitty pin (from gachapon) on it currently.. planning on adding more pins in near future. it even has a little hook for keychains. literally perfect for me. i was a little scared on buying smth "american brand" from japan in worries that.. i could just buy the exact same thing at home.. but it seems like this line was made just for japan? also its called creature series lol.. perfect for me... anyways. goodnight... my eyes are closing

the Joy playlist:
- sleep walking orchestra / BUMP OF CHICKEN
- pipo pipo / serani poji
- 夜の喫茶店 / serani poji
- LAST DINOSAUR / the pillows
- flyaway / kero kero bonito
- apple cider / beabadoobee
- talk / beabadoobee
- yoyo / rescene
- ghosting / txt

still on the bus, but wanted to write this even though writing on my phone is way harder. im afraid ill forget later.

its been raining for a couple days, but today the sun finally came out. everythings green. streams are flowing. ive seen three american robins and two cardinals so far.... looking at all of this, the only thing in my head is "i cant believe i wanted to kill myself". and its true! i cant believe i ever wanted to kill myself.
ive gotten to a point where even if im sad, im sad. im not depressed. i dont want to kill myself!

ill probably take a walk later. we have a lake near my house, i want to see how much the waters risen. ive realized lately how much i love nature and animals and the like. maybe its dungeon meshi hyperfix affecting my brain. . .

ive always loved water though! its so very pretty. pools and ponds. streams... oceans... when i first got my camera, i was maybe 10 or 11. the only photos i would take would be these max zoom, close up shots of moss or clovers or streams. id go outside into mt neighborhood and find any patches of moss, get as close to it as possible, and take the shot.

i am alive! i officially landed back home from japan on saturday (@ midnight..). jetlag has been hitting me hard. extremely tired. i really want to get back into the habit of updating this site, but school has been beating my ass. [and will CONTINUE to beat me for the next two months i think. sighh...] japan was stunning. i loved it. i love public transport. their subway and train system is serious... i thought people were exaggerating but its really that good! as someone who knows basically zero japanese, navigating was easy enough if you had google maps. i enjoyed walking everywhere too. i live in a mostly rural area, so being in a big city was exciting.. gah. everything was just. really really cool. it felt cleansing. i also basically stayed off my phone for the entire week i was there, so maybe that played a part.

i will admit that i spent an Obscene ammount of money... do NOT go to akihabara if you dont wanna walk out with at least 5 shopping bags. kbooks was heaven. 100yen shops are a blessing. i bought so many oshikatsu goods that cost insane amts to import to the US.. ehe. and lots of enstars stuff!!!!!!!! that was my main goal for this trip. tsumugi stuff. his merch is ridiculously expensive on most sites. 15$ for a single can badge? are you serious? OH and i got these stunning tsumugi acrylic stands... the ones that have the glitter stuff that moves. this ones rlly pretty (not my photo). very joyous

i think my wriiting feels very robotic rn... gotta get back into that groove. i started reading dungeon meshi. it is so fucking good. please read dungeon meshi. goodnight