i am listening to the bends by radiohead. i did not think that was something id ever say. my friend is a really big radiohead fan, so i guess i got it from her. she introduced me to in rainbows too. my music taste changes so much year by year. if you put a playlist from each year since 2018 side by side, youd assume theyre all from different people. and i guess thats true, i am different year by year. i am different month by month. i started listening to tyler the creator, too, because a Different friend really likes his music. i was so resistant to change before. not resistant, but i guess it didnt appeal to me. i guess i wanted to be an individual? pretty stupid, looking back on it now.
completely by chance, i discovered this poem. "out beyond ideas" by mewlana jalaluddin rumi.
"Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, /hm. kinda stuck with me. im not sure why. it feels meaningful. even more so when i learn the guy who wrote it, lived from 1207 to 1273. something about the human spirit remaining unchanged over so much time? goodnight
there is a field. I'll meet you there. /
When the soul lies down in that grass, /
the world is too full to talk about. /
Ideas, language, even the phrase each other /
doesn't make any sense"
hello i am alive. whoo! i feel... better. this week passed without me really noticing. im learning weird fishes / arpeggi by radiohead on guitar. its been hard to write lately. brain fog is crazy.. im so so tired. im only up this late (lol 11pm) bc i needed to finish an assignment. or get close to finishing bc im not even done yet. its mind numbing - i feel like a broken record. good night. is good night two words or one
ate lunch outside today. with friends and a gorgeous mountain view. life is worth living. its warm outside, but the wind bites. better things are here.
i had a dream abt a week ago of me getting hit by a car. i was walking in a parking lot and just got hit. didnt hurt, but i kinda flew a couple feet. and then i just curled up on the ground and couldnt stop lauging. clutching my stomach, rolling around, giggling my ass off. i dont think it even hurt except for a light ache. im realizing that most of my dreams switch between first and third person perspective, like if youre playing minecraft and constantly clicking f5.
this whole dream is a mash up of real life events. i was walking in that parking lot after ice skating w AA. abt two years back, i fainted bc i stood up too quickly. my mom found me laughing on the ground. i still giggle when i remember it. i remember regaining consciousness and seeing my mom standing over me, looking very concerned. i guess i was laughing even when unconscious? teehee
eat men eat by black midi. yes.
march is a struggle. burst into tears at
been listening to lots of tyler the creator. dogtooth is amazing. his music has really grown on me. i didnt think id like it this much. still not feeling the best. i guess i had around two months of just happiness and now we're back to a constant low mood. because i wasnt feeling well yesterday, i went to back to sleep right after i showered in the morning. which means my hair straightened.. completely.
i actually really liked the look. trying to recreate it currently - not going too well. usually my hair is wavy. its also very thin and lowkey damaged, which means it ends up frizzy. it also gets greasy really easy. if i wash it in the morning, the day after i have to apply dry shampoo to at LEAST my bangs.... however! now that its been 'straightened'... it didnt get as greasy. epic win. hope this works. goodnight! (update as of march 13 - it did not fucking work)
stayed home today bc my stomach hurt for no good reason. couldnt function. woke up at 6 am, showered, decided it wasnt worth it to go to school, went back to sleep. slept until 11. felt better. none of my teachers upload anything online, so best i can do is study for a history quiz. made a 5 year plan outta boredom, if only to track what should be happening each year. everytime i sit down to write these journal entries, i blank. i havent felt the best for the past.. two weeks? not suicidal really, i just feel. Bad. maybe a notes app entry from yesterday says it best -
"i think the root of the cause is that i wish i was different. i wish i could change intrinsically. fully. wholly different - unrecognizable. but my changing now, depends on other people. i must rely on them for advice or opinion, i must react to their evaluation. [...] i realize i want to change and have nobody notice, until i am fully different. i do not want to rely on anyone. i want to do it myself, if only to prove that i can. but i cannot even take the first step."
great. really, i should just START changing. i think im waiting for a moment. a perfect moment that will jumpstart my change. but that doesnt exist. i have to start myself. god. stop intellectualizing suffering!!! start letting the depth of emotion move me to action!!!
im alive. im living. nothing to say - days seem to pass without me really noticing. i want to play the caligula effect 2. and persona 4. and persona 3 reload. i feel all these games would change me on a molecular level
i think i will love until it hurts and then love again
i know its technically march n i need to make a new page, but god. i feel airy. i feel light. a strong gust could knock me over but i dont care. music is good. i love music actually. i will grasp joy. ive been seeing many american robins lately - i can now tell which bird song is theirs. goodnight.
here is a poem i wrote almost three years ago -
i remember it sometimes. i think it haunts me
its ., bad. i cringe a little reading it. but i feel like rewriting it would be an injustice to past me
rained really heavy today, and something about it made me extremely joyous. the day had already been going well, but the rain really sealed it in. everything is so green. the clouds looked really nice.
i am trying to let the depth of my emotions move me to action. i must start doing things. i must start reaching for what i want. up until this school year, every day was just seeing what would eventually push me to kill myself. i was perpetually waiting for it. just waiting to finally get the go ahead, the last thing to seal the deal. its not like that anymore. but now im in this limbo of i want to live, but i dont know how to start. so! today we will make a list of wants, of goals. i cannot reach around blindly in the dark forever.
im lowkey tired of being useless. i dont Do anything bruh i gotta get on the grind or smth bc my incompetence is pissing me off
i am alive and i am living. went to the bookstore n hung out with AA on friday. was really really fun!! i didnt even notice the time passing - we literally talked over boba for a solid hour n a half. its so stupidly easy to talk to him. argh.
bought crime + punishment, witch hat atelier kitchen 1, and a bts album. have been listening to more n more bts lately... war of hormone i love you. 134340 i love you. run i love you.
my friend came over and we studied for a bit. we decided to take a walk down to the lake - great decision. i saw a red shouldered hawk (and correctly identified it!), and even after it disappeared i kept hearing its calls. in addition to that, i heard a tufted titmouse (lol), northern cardinal, pine warbler, and a carolina chickadee.
do not feel the best. i feel stupid and clumsy, stumbling through any social interaction. 98 on science quiz. test tmrw. hm. my stomach hurts. ive been playing overwatch more frequently. i used to really love it. havent really played since ow2 came out. getting back into it is fun. looking forward to playing is a refreshing feeling. i havent had a real interest for a while, so it feels kinda empty. i mainly just play tracer. i picked the right time to get into it - good smile is releasing a popup parade figure of her in two months. very joyous!
invited AA out to a local bookstore this friday, n he hasnt said anything yet. i think he's checking if hes free? feel kinda scared that i waited too long, but oh well. whatever happens is what happens. i can only control myself.
big fan of this mouse 
had a dream this morning that i was picking out matching calico critters for me and AA. i felt rushed.
the urge to become unreachable haunts me. i have an assignment due tmrw, cannot force myself to write anything. then i have a test on friday - should probably study those topics too.
im alive!
i havent done much since last update. played p4g. slept. drew horses. slept. listened to radiohead in rainbows album. slept. wow. i feel slightly miserable but not enough to full weigh me down. it feels annoying, like a small bug flying around in your car. its not big enough to fuss over, so just get it out. just stop it. nagging feeling.
cant say i wish it was a worse feelinf either, who needs a bigger bug? though i do wish i had that metaphorical window to roll down.
friends have been busy. this happens. unfortunatelt j have things to say and i cannot cope with loneliness. usually whenever something happens ill msg my friends about it, i guess bc i want them to be included? i like them, i want to share things with them. lately i feel like ive been annoying them? this feeling has basically zero basis. its useless. i need to sleep on it.
how and when does it get easier? i guess this must not be the end - it isnt easier. however! ive been keeping up w my hygiene better!! epic victory. brushing teeth daily, washing face daily, showers dont feel like a chore. victory. it will get easier. it must.
i keep fucking up lately and expecting everything to come crashing down. but it doesnt? or maybe im just watching from a distance and i dont hear the wood snapping yet? i need to sleep
jigsaw falling into place! goodnight
extremely hard to wake up today for no reason. i am so tired.
today was good. i had quizzes in every class - 98 on the math one, feeling good about science, 65 on history. the history quiz was all about NAMES but i had studied CONCEPTS. so, kinda sad. but we recover! i dont have any quizzes tmrw, so i dont have to study today :) persona 4 golden here i come
obligatory valentines day mention. mine was better than years in the past. feeling Joyous. . .
there were ladybugs around my school today. on the windows, on the sidewalk, and somehow inside? ladybugs are good luck. good days.
listening to a lot of zemfira ..
hello everyone this is my second time writing this bc my phone sucks. it died the first time n then reloaded the page outta nowhere. ill learn my lesson this time and save the page every paragraph. i am still sick but feeling better - i might take tmrw off. recover fully.
ive been listening to radioheads 'in rainbows' album. really good. all rhe songs are bangers. i like 'bodysnatchers' and 'nude' and 'all i need' and 'weird fishes / arpeggi' and 'jigsaw falling into place'. so many bangers. thank u to my friend for recommending me this album.
on the topic of music - i gotta start uploading more music onto my mp3 player. i love music. i dont love my phone. i wanna listen to music on my phone but you have to adjust and check and change and talk to people but i just wanna listen to some Tunes man! im not stronger than this phones marketing and advertisements team!
i just have to get used to using the mp3 player in public. i forget i have anxiety sometimes bc im so used to living with it. i think a normal person would just wear it and go, 'hey! i like this! it looks cool! i look cool. this is nice'. i need to do that.
on saturday i went to a couple thrift stores looking for a messenger bag, as per vashtis recommendation. didnt find anything sadly. cds werent interesting either - hymns and a rare 'alvin and the chipmunks' soundtrack. i forget i live in the south sometimes.
after that went to sprouts .. they were selling these pouches and i remembered i needed a lil organization thingy. got two. originally just gunna get the small one but those horses man... the horses! so cute. i couldnt walk past em. it was the last one too. i think i should be a cowboy. maybe i need to play red dead redemption 2. sorry for the shitty picture im too lazy to take another rn
jigsaw falling into place is really good. maybe i really should just become a cowboy. guy im talking to (lets call him AA) said he could see me as one. most of my friends have said that too. i love horses. how much does that cost? arent horses really expensive? what if i just get really rich and then retire early and just become a cowboy? whos stopping me? goodnight.
im sick for the first time in maybe a year
it is friday. i do not want to kill myself. the birds were chirping as i walked to the bus stop. i didnt listen to music as i walked for the first time in years. i do not want to kill myself. now im listening to hello by joy. im thinking of the poem 'hammond b3 organ cistern' by gabrielle calvocoressi. im wearing the new sweatshirt in a calming blue hue. i do not want to kill myself today.
writing this on my phone bc i want to go to sleep at a Normal-er time than usual. i hope its not too wonky. i love this mp3 player... i havent had time to rlly update the songs on it, so i only have six songs. all from p3 ironically.. mass destruction, moons reaching out stars, burn my dread. full moon full life, color your night, its going down NOW, from p3re. all on loop.
the interface is easier to navigate than i thought itd be. and its rlly functional! uhhhh. small. i cannot remember tbe word. its like. its Handy. its CONVENIENT thats the word... i thought itd be kinda awkward to carry around n what not but? it just clips onto ur belt? epic. done.
ill probablt buy some Panasonic RP-HZ47 bc these earbuds make my ears hurt after a while. plus those look cool!
i have a test/quiz in every class tmrw and im. not as stressed as i wouldve been in 2023? WHAT HAPPENED???? i feel some. nervousness. but not the type i felt in the past. is this character growth? i did the hw for math, finished science assignment, reviewed for test, etc? i feel fine? huh
ok on the topic of Changing ive been planning on getting some type of messenger bag, bc i think thatd fit me best. if anyone knows any good options, lmk!! id appreciate it :3
goodnight!
good day so far. listening to memento mori by kaya.. open secret by sheena ringo.. epic. i just have some math hw to do at home, plus studying for two tests. somehow im not stressed? my mp3 player should be arriving today! :3 im very excited. math is getting fun again. overall i just feel better. im dressing better too, actual outfits. jeans! not the same two pairs of sweatpants + two hoodies. man. my growth over a period of like? 3 months? is kinda insane??? very proud of myself tbh.
lots of people i know are getting sick,,, and its kinda shocking i havent yet. ive had a stuffy nose that acts up sometimes since i got back from sweden? i hope i didnt spread a swedish sickness lmfao T__T - though i doubt that'd happen. i think its the flu? flu season? yea.
ive been trying to stay off my phone. i have so many things i want to do, but i get stuck on the Evil Contraption sometimes. so we're trying to be mindful.. i want to play p4g,, it was really fun actually! i love yosuke + the cute chibi models. the music BANGS! ive also been reading giovannis room while on the bus. im abt 66% o the way thru, according 2 my ebook reader. i rlly like it so far! maybe ill write a serious review this time, bc my bookbug reviews have been kinda laidback n non serious.
man idek what songs i wanna port onto the mp3 player.. + i gotta find some 3.5mm headphones. gah.
finally listening to tyler the creator. im not sure why i put this off for so long..? i listening to flower boy first, then igor. i liked november, pothole, where this flower blooms, and (ofc) see you again + 911 / mr. lonely . bangers! i liked igor as an album better though. its more the type of music i like. basically every song on there is a banger. now im listening to a couple songs recommended to me by my friends.
i used to be a playlist person, where id have tons of songs from different albums all on one playlist. though i wasnt one of those people who make playlists for moods or every day or smth. except the Misery Playlist TM. ,, anyways, im more an album person. listening to an artists whole album in the order its presented to you makes it feel special. i guess it makes it more intentional? adds depth? especially with albums like igor where the songs tell a story, id say you're missing out on a Lot if you dont listen to it fully + in order.
anyways im yapping.. the mp3 player should come wednesday!! actually, today has been really good. i talked to people in one of my classes, and the conversation went really well! one of the guys i talked to collects vinyls, which is cool. apparently hes spent over 1.1k dollars on stuff,,, excluding covers n the like. i said i was more a cd person, mostly bc its cheaper lolol. i cant judge him for how much he's spent bc i think my entire collection would be around that amount, maybe even more. T_T
i keep picking at the skin around my nails. in my first class i absolutely massacred my right index fingers skin. it started bleeding n shit which. isnt ideal. good thing i had bandaids.
ive been watching so many movies lately. i watched badhaai do + mamma mia with my friend today. mamma mia was pretty good!! all the songs are bangers. i found it slightly confusing and didnt really find a message or a theme or. even really a solid plot in it, but i think its one of those movies you just watch for fun. and thats what i did! badhaai do was pretty cute. im also abt halfway through brokeback mountain rn. hgjghg...
yesterday i got a haircut (just a trim!) and i went to the mall. i needed a couple hoodies bc i currently only have one. i got a blue one in a very nice shade, along with a white one that has these cut outs ..? on the sleeves. and then. i got a joker nendoroid... i caved! the store where i get my figures from was having a 10% discount on all figures. i couldnt not do it... n yesterday was also my 900 day anni with goro! what better way to celebrate than to let them be together again! here they are.. (+ that akechi p5t keychain i got a week ago that i forgot to show)
thats all. goodnight!
ok i just had a math quiz that i completely. bombed. if i get even a 70 it'll be a once in a lifetime miracle. im cooked. im gone. there was a whole topic that i thought was gunna be on the NEXT quiz, and then i mixed up two terms. its over. however! p3 reload today! im gunna wait until it goes on sale bc 70$.. scary. ill play p4g in the meantime, then ill play p1 + p2 probably..
i just finished watching la la land. oh my god. the last thirty minutes of that movie? i was crying. i was non stop sobbing for the last thirty minutes. towards the end i wasnt even producing tears anymore i was just dry heaving holy shit why have i put this off for so long
listening to the soundtrack and its like getting hit by a bag of heavy rocks and then hit by a truck full of flammable liquids and i have a lighter in my pocket. oh my god
its february time
I BOUGHT IT... the sony nw-e505. IN BLUE! with a cord!!!!!!! im so excited u guys. im. im Joyous. its supposed to come between feb 2 n 7. im Awaiting. ehehe... im a little scared bc im not sure if the software to move music onto it will work. uhm. BUT.. we will cross that bridge when we get there. for now im just pretty happy. i think it'll be the coolest piece of tech i own. i didnt have any studying to do today. first time in a month, i think. :3 i will get some sleep. goodnight!
i think i can feel the yosuke hanamura brainrot take over
no time 2 update journal lately... ok i lost that bidding war So quickly. i bid $2.50 bc it started at like 1.50 (which is insane btw) but when i woke up it was. $142. which is a sum i am NOT willing to pay.. THO TODAY. THIS MORNING. LISTING! for like $83.. WITH THE CORD! life is good u guys. im gunna purchase it when i get home methinks. its already in my cart..
i had two tests today, p2 of a math test, and p1 of a science test. i got an 87 on p1 of math, which isnt too shabby. i was really confident, but idk. THEN. today. 18 questions. it was so simple...? for no reason? i finished it first and turned it in. i always get stressed when this happens bc its like.. what do my classmates know that i dont. what if i missed a whole page. was i just doing it wrong? BUT NOT THIS TIME. 98 BABY. LIFE IS GOOD. joy is ABUNDANT if you allow yourself to recognize it. joy is here if you let it in. + that science test was easy too so im hoping she grades it quickly o7
feeling joyous. havent had one of those insane lows that i used to. i feel like its been a constant bob up n down, not too shabby. like those buoys on the water. it was so foggy last week... i loved it. apparently last weeks tuesday, wednesday, n thursday were like? the foggiest day in the us in over two decades. dont trust me on that i just googled n paraphased the first thing i saw. BUT IT SURE FELT LIKE IT..
we have a lake near our house so i went down to that a couple times. bc it'd also been raining so much, it'd actually risen a couple feet. same for the rivers whenever i pass em on my bus. its so cool.. anyways, when i went down to the lake, i stood there for like an hour, just watching the fog creep in towards me. so cool.. so epic.. n then, just as i was about to turn away, a gaggle of geese landed onto the lake! right in front of me! in the v shape and everything!!! i didnt hear them until they were like right in front of me. its just a sudden flapping noise, and then quiet again. then a couple honks. i think theres two different groups that come n rest at this lake. i see em when i leave the house for the bus too. so epic...
ive been playing p4 more. its so fun! i love the models and the aesthetic. very excited for p3re, but ill probably buy it once it goes on sale. $70 is a scary number. i realized that the persona games actually mean a Lot to me. i love all the content, the music, the characters, the world, and how each game has its charms. of course, there Are things i disagree with (esp in p5.. makoto and ann. u deserved sm better), but i think i can like a media while being critical of it. ive been listening to only the persona soundtrack for like, two weeks.
im yapping to make up for the four days i was too buy to write. back to purchases - i think that akechi p5t keychain should arrive soon. extremely excited. i also preordered the new nuis atlus released. all the p5 ones! i think i mentioned this before. akira and morgana should ship in february, and akechi in april. cant buy akechi without akira, and cant buy akira without morgana. ermm other than that, im also gunna buy that mp3 player. joyous. OH and ive been thinking of buying a calico critter. i really wanted them as a kid, but i guess i just never got around to asking for one? i have my eye on bruce. i just need one, so hes perfect. v cute! i was thinking to carry him around, kinda like a motivator.
ok my lunch is ending bye bye.
abt to enter a gruesome 6 day bidding war on ebay for a fuckass mp3 player. pray for me.
its been foggy these past few days.... i love it. ive been pestering anyone who listens. its foggy! this is just like persona 4! its also not Extremely cold, which is a plus. apparently its gunna get even worse towards 6pm. im excited :3 ... been thinking abt birds + walks + walkmans. i guess not a walkman bc the thing im thinking of plays mp3s instead of cassettes. well. same idea i guess...? i found this orange one for like 50 bucks. its bright orange! my fav color! + its a 2008 model so i dont have to buy a charging cable, it charges while connected to computer. ehehe.... not spending money is so stupid hard.
ive realized that im taking much better care of myself. i brushed my teeth every day last week. same with washing my face. and im dressing better? not for other people, but because i want to feel confident in the clothes im wearing? and im. better with looking in the mirror? i used to look in the mirror and not really see myself. i think i saw more the individual features rather than my actual face. and i was fine w that. but now i see myself in the mirror and i feel Good about what i see. these changes have been gradual, and i think im only now really feeling the effects of them. proud of myself!
+ have to tack this on bc i cant rlly say it anywhere else and i think that if i have to sit w this thought any longer ill explode. me n the guy im talking to right. we usually say goodnight, n its rlly cute. lately i have this urge to just tack on an i love you. just th. 'goodnight! love you!' maybe its bc ive grown used to saying it to my friends? and now i cant? bc it could potentially mean more????? its over for me.
^what yearning does to a man. anyways im swamped w assignments. no time for p4g. im just as bummed out as u r... goodnight!
i am so incredibly tempted to buy a walkman.
this looks cool as fuck. i yearn for the physical media
ok weirdly enough i was feeling Really good last week, and now its kinda plummeting. my mood is worse. but people cant have good days all the time. its just kinda sudden. writing this out feels really rudimentary, but i think thats what i needed to acknowledge it. if someone doesnt like me n doesnt wanna talk to me, they wouldnt. not everyone follows the same thought process as me. n thats ok!!! i only have control over myself. i think ive mentioned this before, but during covid, i got one of those online therapists. she didnt really help, mostly bc even she acknowledged that im too self aware for my own good. which creates these conflicting sides in my head - one has extremely rational thought, the other is insecure. isnt that how it is anyways? right and left brain? creative v rational? i feel stupid. hm. i guess its because everyone around has an End goal, something theyre working towards. i am just trying to get by. i genuinely thought i was gunna be dead by now. well.
ok gunna try to write this without giving out personal info - i got into all the advanced classes! however, i got into advanced history. FUCK THAT! i dont like history. i know its neccessary to learn it but god. its apparently one of the hardest courses too? why would i do all advanced + one of the hardest courses in a subject i dont like? i have to go talk to a counselor abt it, plus abt taking another pathway class - computer science! and then i need to pick a law class too. auggghh. im nervous on this, but at the same time i have a sort of apathy towards it.
anyways, bc of my nervousness (?), i keep talking to people who have any info abt it. ive talked to like, at least 5 ppl abt it. asking questions like is that adv history course worth it? was it hard? how abt the other adv courses? what are you doing? what do you think i should do? and like. im seeking reassurance and forming my own opinion n decision based off of other peoples. i think ive pissed off one of the people? lol? i think bro got tired of me being indecisive. im a... mostly blunt person, so i cant understand dropping "hints" n stuff that u dont wanna talk to someone. so: part of my brain goes " well if they didnt care to talk abt it, theyd tell you. but arent they telling you through the hints? but what if im just overthinking those 'hints'." AND THEN. I GO IN CIRCLES. its awful. im just gunna forget abt it RAHH
erm. very emotional entry today. whoops. but thats the purpose of this website, so im not really apologizing. plus, its probably pretty interesting. like a reality show.
thank god for persona music. p3, p4, n p5 all have such good soundtracks.. jesus.
its already the 22nd. crazy. next yrs class schedule comes out tmrw - i think i got into most of the advanced classes. oh joy! im playing persona 4 golden, and its really fun so far! the difficulty change between p5 and p4 is crazy. i thought the shadows would give me some slack bc im only like. 3 hrs into the game? but theyre beating my ass just the same... i guess its equivalent to the damage IM doing, but i have less health. anyways. i love yosuke! love his dub voice. hes reminds me of tamaki suoh but like in an evil fucked up way. im hoping to finish it before p3r comes out (only 11 days left!), so that i can complete the trifecta of persona games. after that, i will attempt to find some copy of persona 2 n 1. or watch a gameplay.
really excited for persona 3 reload! the more i see abt it, the more i wanna play. the graphics are just... chefs kiss. models and sprites look gorgeous. the ui! stunning!!!! ive been a persona fan for..[checks notes] 887 days. so while i havent seen exactly.. Spoilers spoilers? i have the general gist of p3 and p4. from what i know, p3 deals a Lot with concepts of morality. which really interests me!! i hope that they stick to the same theme in p3re.. resisting the urge to not play p3p before p3re.. augh. i think makoto or shinjiro will be my favs.
erm. talking to this guy .. hes really sweet. i really enjoy our conversations. we agree on so much and he just idk. makes me feel better when im talking to him? i dont want to go into detail bc if i do i will get Sappy and Cringe. and also i dont think that has that much of a place here. but! i wanted to write it down anyways for . future references.
speaking of references. i put all my journal entries from 2023 into a google doc. its 50 fucking pages. word count? almost 30k. around 80 entries. holy shit. im a yapper.. GOODNIGHT
man. workin hard on that new layout. didnt have school day, roads too icy to drive safely. i hope they cancel it tmrw too. i feel worse, but working on the site makes me feel better. its scary how good? ive gotten at this? not to say im a coding master or whatever, but i can basically do what i envision, without googling. how cool is that? listening to need 2 by pinegrove, and lavender buds by MF DOOM. i ordered a p5t goro keychain/standee bc he was just too cute. i coudlnt Not. and then i remembered that the newly released goro nui got restocked again. and then i bought akira and morgana too, bc i cant seperate akira from akechi, nor can i seperate morgana from akira. theyre so cheap im Extremely excited.. ( ← guy who has gotten used to paying upwards of 35$ for plush merchandise) 11$ per plush. god loves me. GOODNIGHT its 1:24 am eek. i wish there were more hours in a day. i need more Time.. i feel like i want to do so much that i just get stuck doing nothing. i wish i wouldnt do that.
hihi! i am getting better at managing my anger. i let it take over me completely for a short time, let myself feel it instead of repressing it, and then i allow myself stop caring. it is better. though i have a bad habit of hitting myself in the head really hard while im angry, so maybe ill work on that next. im allowing myself to breathe. im slowly allowing myself to live the life i have only ever dreamed of. 'here's the life ive always longed for... i will make it mine'
i am HOME as of yesterday everyone cheer. at school rn lunch. erm. i am surrounded by so much love and people.. joyous. didnt think this would ever happen to me tbh? eek.. SM SCIENCE WORK TO DO ONCE I GET HOME T_T
HELLO EVERYNYAN!!!! its been a while! this is the longest ive gone without updating since. august? crazy... im typing this on my phone, so i apologize in advance for any crazy typos. i just want to get a journal entry out. i might as well, its like an 8 hr drive... ive realized that this website actually means a lot to me emotionally, bc i dont rlly have anyone irl i can be totally 100% honest with. i try not to talk abt any issues or problems i have w my friends, i guess bc i dont want them to see me differently. i could if i Really wanted to, but i just prefer to solve and regulate through my problems myself. ANYWAYS!
ill go chronologically. thursday the fourth. skiing! we went up on a blue slope, really high! basically top of the mountain. it was terrifying. but i had a lot of fun! it was one of the few moments on skis where i could say that i was just. having fun. yes it was pretty steep and long but it was fun and challenging to do the turns and navigate correctly. we went up with my parents and instructor the first time. my dad, who i thought was the best at skiing out of my family, was worse than me. i guess because im younger and im not as scared of falling? it put him in a bad mood for a couple days but ill get to that later. after we got down the first time, my parents sat out bc they were tired. id realized that i was having just. unadultered fun so i asked the instructor if we could go again. we did! and this time it was straight down without any stops. i keep saying it was fun but im not sure how else to describe it. i felt proud of myself too, because id improved so much in such a short time. it felt like i'd proven to myself that i could actually get better at things, that my efforts truly reflect in my actions.
then, jan 5 was a bit worse. everyone was tired, and so everyone was irritated. but since my dad wasnt able to get down that blue slope smoothly, he wanted to end the trip on a better note, even if it was at the expense of my mom and i. hauled us out to some slope. didnt help that it was one of the coldest days. overall it was just a day of small petty arguements, and i dont even care enough to remember what ive said. OH but it calmed down near the end. yesterday id started rewatching business proposal, and my parents got invested. i honestly didnt think theyd be interested in a korean drama, but they said it didnt differ much from russian dramas. we watched it over the span of a couple days. it was nice for them to get invested in something i liked, even if they were teasing me throughout.
jan 6, dog sledding!!!!!!!!!! i love dog sledding. ive been interested in it since i was young. i remember watching balto and becominf obsessed. i would make the dog sleds out of rainbow loom and little toy baskets for my lps. yea. whenever we're somewhere with snow, i try to go dog sledding, bc its cool af. i fucking love dog sledding. it was a 2 hr trip, and my mom n i switched half way thru, so i got to drive the sled! it was kinda funny bc it was three families with small children and rhen. my mom n i. we actually Asked to drive the sled, all the other sleds were driven by the employees... again, rlly fun! we got to pet them afterwards :) such sweet little dogs ... ahem then STILL jan 6, we went to a restaurant. it was a cozy lil place, obviously local. food was good ^^
i feel bad. not Too bad but bad enough. i am tired and my legs hurt. i am dehydrated and understimulated. keeping myself together! its silly but whenever i feel myself getting angry i go "hey man. akechi goro didnt do this. he put up a facade!! he stayed calm! do that!!!" and it calms me down. realistically that is quite literally the Worst Character to calm myself down with, considering he had just So much pent up anger after All That. however! skiing went well today. instructor taught us how to do a hockey stop, which is cool. i feel more confident. it was cold as balls today though... it only gets warmer AFTER we leave sweden lmfao. anyways even though it was cold it was really really pretty!!! ill post em on my photo blog.
blegh. i hope i feel better when i wake up. maybe this is. just a 2:23am thing. hopefully. i wish i could just feel Decent all the time. sometimes it feels like my brain doesnt fully process some things, and when it does, it throws my whole world off kilter. does that make sense? its like. lets say you always see an elephant on the way to work. this is commonplace. then one day, you realize that theres a whole ELEPHANT. just on the route to your work. and you start being like "huh!? wuh? guh?" and bc you're just so flabbergasted over this elephant, you dont even make it to work that day. this makes no sense. i need to go to bed actually. im aging. goodnight. (2:27) (such good numbers....)
well. happy new year! happy new yuri.. i hope this year is good to me. i dont remember much of 2023, so i guess one of my goals for 2024 is to be more present. other than that, some of my resolutions are...
