back?
apr 17, 2025
truly i have no idea what im doing. its not the same as
a depressive rut, where im so unmotivated that while i
may want to do something, i physically cannot..
(maybe thats just a lack of discipline). its more like
my head is just Blank. white slate with a lack of desires.
i dont want to buy anything, i dont want to play anything,
i only listen to music out of habit... my only worldly
desire is soy sauce and trader joes gluten free frozen
mac&cheese. other than i am wading through water..
knee deep.. in the reeds..
apr 15, 2025
i attend a weekly program related to my career pathway every
tuesday, and it is likely the closest i will get to exposure therapy.
everyone there, the way they operate and function, is so drastically
different from me. ive been in the program for a little more
than half a year and i still feel like im just flailing around.
to be completely honest, i have no idea what im doing. every
meeting i am wholly out of my comfort zone. the amount
of information i retain from meeting to meeting is embarrassingly
little. i dont know what possessed me to start going. my
character clashes w what is required by the program...
im pretty meek. i think they just took me in bc they
were low on members tbh
novel study in class, and i chose this time to finally read
some classics ive been trying to make time for. i was
debating between four books for a whole 48 hours... settled
on the picture of dorian gray. when i went out to buy my
copy, i couldnt help myself and also bought a copy of
brave new world. very very excited to read them!! after i
finish those two, hoping to read metamorphosis and
frankenstein.
ive reread this entry over a couple times and it just
sounds Weird to me. im very tired so im not sure im
writing.. correctly.. my apolocheese lol
apr 11, 2025
walking home i can easily take a guess at identifying my
neighborhood birds. i can assume that ones a grackle, a
robin, a sparrow, a mockingbird, a crow, a swallow...
this is very simple but very important to me. im a perfectionist
and i feel like if i want to do something, i either gotta learn
it all 100% in a day to excel or Not learn it at all. im trying
to move past this but its kinda hard lolol. with birds, ive
somehow given myself the freedom of just enjoying the slow
process of learning. it feels very freeing. theres a lightness
with every guess. even if i misidentify it, its just a learning
experience. i am trying my best, after all.
apr 7, 2025
got back home yesterday evening. today was alright. my hand
feels better. i performed my speech. i think i did pretty
good, even though i was shaking the entire time - i chose
a topic that my teacher seemed to like. my room hasnt been
so messy in years. i think ill do some cleaning over the weekend...
i feel like im just wading through water. i need a clearer
mind and i need to figure out what i want.
apr 2, 2025
i am writing this in my notes app and then jm gunna
copy paste into neocities bc Neocities code editor
on mobile is the worst thing in existence. pls excuse
any typos ...
HELLLOOO it has been a while. a week since last update.
i am still in the middle of the ocean but now i actually
have some free time to sit down and work on website
or smth. i also FELL. i was at a uhmmm national park
that had tons of volcanic rocks and our tour guide was
literally like 'make sure to watch your step because
the rocks are sharp!'. fuck mailaif bro MY STUPID HAT
FLEW OFF AND WHEN I TURNED AROUND TO LOOK AT IT/RUN AFTER
IT I TRIPPED AND FELL ONTO aforementioned SHARP ROCKS.
literally every limb has a scratch. i think most kf the
impact went into my pinky bc its like Blue and swollen.....
i am a little scared for it but i dont think its
broken or fractured... i can move it still (thankfully)....
i probably just hit a nerve or smth.... at least thats
what i keep telling myself LMFAO
other than that the trip has been really fun so far!
ive been taking pictures of birds. As best i can. i did
not get many good ones but i fell in love w the Venezuelan
Troupial ... they r very cute and mischievous birds. bright
orange chests!!!!!! ill try to upload some pictures but
flickr doesnt work on this wifi Ugh ill figure it out. i a
lso saw flamingos!!!!!!!!!! granted they were pretty far
away but im okay w it. im very glad i got to see them in the
wild.
btw if u dont have a camera yet i will recommend mine...
canon eos m50. it is so nice. it comes w an app that u can
use to transfer photos which is a Beautiful convenience i
love to death. it has also survived like everything - sand,
water, sunscreen, etc .... i had it in my hand when i
tripped and it didnt even get a scratch.
ok i will try to upload photos to neocities now wish me
luck. i hope the tone of this entry doesnt throw you
off i am still the same person lol i just think way
more when i type on my computer.