back?

apr 17, 2025
truly i have no idea what im doing. its not the same as a depressive rut, where im so unmotivated that while i may want to do something, i physically cannot.. (maybe thats just a lack of discipline). its more like my head is just Blank. white slate with a lack of desires. i dont want to buy anything, i dont want to play anything, i only listen to music out of habit... my only worldly desire is soy sauce and trader joes gluten free frozen mac&cheese. other than i am wading through water.. knee deep.. in the reeds..


apr 15, 2025
i attend a weekly program related to my career pathway every tuesday, and it is likely the closest i will get to exposure therapy. everyone there, the way they operate and function, is so drastically different from me. ive been in the program for a little more than half a year and i still feel like im just flailing around. to be completely honest, i have no idea what im doing. every meeting i am wholly out of my comfort zone. the amount of information i retain from meeting to meeting is embarrassingly little. i dont know what possessed me to start going. my character clashes w what is required by the program... im pretty meek. i think they just took me in bc they were low on members tbh

novel study in class, and i chose this time to finally read some classics ive been trying to make time for. i was debating between four books for a whole 48 hours... settled on the picture of dorian gray. when i went out to buy my copy, i couldnt help myself and also bought a copy of brave new world. very very excited to read them!! after i finish those two, hoping to read metamorphosis and frankenstein.

ive reread this entry over a couple times and it just sounds Weird to me. im very tired so im not sure im writing.. correctly.. my apolocheese lol

apr 11, 2025
walking home i can easily take a guess at identifying my neighborhood birds. i can assume that ones a grackle, a robin, a sparrow, a mockingbird, a crow, a swallow... this is very simple but very important to me. im a perfectionist and i feel like if i want to do something, i either gotta learn it all 100% in a day to excel or Not learn it at all. im trying to move past this but its kinda hard lolol. with birds, ive somehow given myself the freedom of just enjoying the slow process of learning. it feels very freeing. theres a lightness with every guess. even if i misidentify it, its just a learning experience. i am trying my best, after all.

apr 7, 2025
got back home yesterday evening. today was alright. my hand feels better. i performed my speech. i think i did pretty good, even though i was shaking the entire time - i chose a topic that my teacher seemed to like. my room hasnt been so messy in years. i think ill do some cleaning over the weekend...
i feel like im just wading through water. i need a clearer mind and i need to figure out what i want.






apr 2, 2025
i am writing this in my notes app and then jm gunna copy paste into neocities bc Neocities code editor on mobile is the worst thing in existence. pls excuse any typos ...
HELLLOOO it has been a while. a week since last update. i am still in the middle of the ocean but now i actually have some free time to sit down and work on website or smth. i also FELL. i was at a uhmmm national park that had tons of volcanic rocks and our tour guide was literally like 'make sure to watch your step because the rocks are sharp!'. fuck mailaif bro MY STUPID HAT FLEW OFF AND WHEN I TURNED AROUND TO LOOK AT IT/RUN AFTER IT I TRIPPED AND FELL ONTO aforementioned SHARP ROCKS. literally every limb has a scratch. i think most kf the impact went into my pinky bc its like Blue and swollen..... i am a little scared for it but i dont think its broken or fractured... i can move it still (thankfully).... i probably just hit a nerve or smth.... at least thats what i keep telling myself LMFAO

other than that the trip has been really fun so far! ive been taking pictures of birds. As best i can. i did not get many good ones but i fell in love w the Venezuelan Troupial ... they r very cute and mischievous birds. bright orange chests!!!!!! ill try to upload some pictures but flickr doesnt work on this wifi Ugh ill figure it out. i a lso saw flamingos!!!!!!!!!! granted they were pretty far away but im okay w it. im very glad i got to see them in the wild.

btw if u dont have a camera yet i will recommend mine... canon eos m50. it is so nice. it comes w an app that u can use to transfer photos which is a Beautiful convenience i love to death. it has also survived like everything - sand, water, sunscreen, etc .... i had it in my hand when i tripped and it didnt even get a scratch.

ok i will try to upload photos to neocities now wish me luck. i hope the tone of this entry doesnt throw you off i am still the same person lol i just think way more when i type on my computer.